That Day

It's weird today
a year ago I awoke
and went through the same ritual
as today
but something was very different then
I still showered
brushed my teeth
put on my work clothes
The sun was shining like it is today
but the air felt more electric
charged
but calmer
all at the same time
I could feel her spirit all around me
as she readied for her departure

On that day
as I walked out to my car
and felt the first morning breeze on my face
I looked up
into the blue cloudless sky
and knew that I would wish her farewell
That day
I knew that she would not make it through
another 24-hours on this earth
in her current state of being
she would be gone
like that day's newspapers

I had to go to work though
things to do
RESPONSIBILITIES
Denial
Escape
But I felt guilty
and scared and panicky

I didn't want her to go alone
she needed to know that I loved her
more than I love myself and
I would have given up my life for her
to be happy
to walk
to dance
to laugh
just one more time

But I worked
I finished what I had to
then I cried in my boss's office
and told her I couldn't stay one minute longer
That day

First I went home to change
and gather my strength
I have a wealth of it
to choose from, you know
and it was times like those
when I resented it the least
when I could see the looks on their faces
mirrored from my own
how does she deal with this all alone?
they would think
how does she still laugh and joke
and go to work
while her mom lies
literally
on her deathbed?

Strength is just the generic term
for whatever it was
that kept me going
I don't even know
how I was able to function
how I was able to adjust
"normally"
relatively anyway
does it really matter?

But before going there
I needed to prepare
for the hard day ahead

I brought provisions to get me through

magazines to keep my mind idle
and distract me from
focusing too acutely
on the reality that was
bearing down on me
with the weight of my regrets
and words unsaid

music to bring some nuance
of beauty and light
into an otherwise
dark and hopeless occasion

and some snacks to hold me over
although eating felt like some kind of betrayal

She needed to know I was trying
she needed to know that I would stay with her
no matter how long it took
no matter how hard it was
no matter what I needed to tell her
but couldn't
no matter how hard she had tried
to push me away
no matter how alone I felt
without all the others she had exiled

At the end she was still
stubborn and resistant
or at least that's what
I will tell my children
she fought harder
than most would have
and I alone led her off
resting my forehead on our joined hands
until she broke free
and floated away

I will tell my children
that she lived on her feet
and never knelt down
they will know her laugh
and the tilt of her head
the way that they will know my own
they will dance with me
bare feet on the coffee table
laughing at the joy of it
while I laugh at the memory

I am her connection to the living
to the future
I will not let her memory fade
like my grief will
she is my good
and my bad
and my everything in between
and I will not forget

she was my beginning
and very well could have been
the end of me
and I will not forget

That day

~ August 27, 2005