Belief ... not the Gavin song

I have to believe
that the mistakes
I've made
weren't made in vein
I have to believe
that they won't
haunt me
and follow me around
like lost little ghost puppies

I have to believe
in fate
have to believe
in belief

Otherwise
I am just
a mass of chance
every choice made
every wrong turn
leading me in
so many different directions
each time deviating
further and further
from where I need
to be
from where I
should be

If I don't
believe in fate
then the sadness
of my past
will be reduced
to a coin toss

my personality
my smile
my suffering
my happiness
will all be the progeny
of coincidence

I have to believe
that I'm meant
to be here now
to be asking
these questions
to be floating
in the thick confusion
that I'm sometimes ensconced in

I have to believe
that there is an explanation
as elusive as it is
for the adulthood
I was thrown into
long before
I could see over the counter

I have to believe
that I'm falling
because I was meant to
not because there was
no one to catch me
when I lost my footing

Faith
Belief
these are the choices
we make
these are the things
that answer
the unanswerable questions
they give us an out
some reason for our distinct being
and I have to believe

~ September 2005