My Strength is a Curse

it keeps my friends from
thinking of me on Mother's Day
it keeps my family from
calling on the 27th
they say she'll be fine
she's strong
like Lisa

well, Lisa died alone
she had one friend
one love
one child
one family
but many legacies

who will remember her last words?
what was she thinking that week?
did she forgive me?
was she scared?
did it hurt?

I walked around with
her world on my shoulders
but I could sleep at night
I could barely breathe with the weight
of her sorrow on my chest
but I never lost my appetite

I had to beg her to let go
take my hand and come with me
Please!
there's nothing here for you anymore
your body has poisoned your soul
long enough
you haven't lost
you're not giving up
sometimes you have to quit
while you're behind

264 days she's been gone
and I can still remember how I felt
I remember how the air smelled
I remember the sound
of the magazine pages turning
as the piano played in the background
I played Prince for old time's sake
one last Kiss before you go
I remember the exact moment
that it happened
5:46 on a Friday and you're changed forever
in ways that you can't even see
you're free
or is that me?
you're no longer imprisoned in this case
with this infestuous virus your keeper

where are you now?
does the soul really continue on?
do you see me?
can you hear me crying?
can you feel me gasping for air
like you had to those last 3 days?
do you empathize or pity me?

you know what it's like to rage and cry
without anyone to hang onto
you gave me your strength
but at what cost?
we don't need anyone
we can do this ourselves
hold back your own hair
when the tears clog your throat
I can see myself slipping
yet I never ask for a hand

I don't want to end up like you

~ May 2005