OCD

even when it's just a friend
i can't be normal
how do other girls handle this?
i go to a movie
read a book
turn off my phone
and pretend i wasn't
waiting
for it to ring

does she wait for your calls?

i send messages, emails,
letters in sand
but they all get washed away

what does it mean
to be your friend?
maybe i'm not cut out for this
soul mating
are we supposed to be together?
and what would that amount to
chaos
constant frustration
long discussions about us
about books
about nothing

could you really be with me?
make me laugh
kiss me with a mouth cooled by ice cream
let me speak
go for walks on restless summer nights
think of me first upon waking
love me without reservations or expectations
i don't ask for much

i have a split personality
and splintered heart
part of me has the audacity to believe
that i'm cut out for something
better
than distrust and false accusations
than merely dating
than not finding the love of my life

while the other part of me
wonders
if i deserve anything other
than what i've been given
wonders
if i squandered my chances
wonders
if i'll ever learn to open
my god damn eyes
wonders
what i'll see

i want a love that
will take down these walls of mine
like the walls of Berlin
separating the resolute from the weary

i want a love that
will stop this loneliness
that clings to me like empty vapor
clouding my dreams and
diluting my happiest moments

i want a love that
will take out the garbage
and pick up dirty socks
i don't ask for much

~ June 2005