it will be a
long and lonely
life without love
how many nights
can i pass
staring at the ceiling
whispering mantras
to the walls
who am i
trying to convince
of my worthiness
sitting unaccompanied
in this room
the wind was blowing today
i could feel its
power and purpose
as i sat stagnant
and bereft of
a prospect
it has been
so long
i fear that
it will never come
i have been
tempted and teased
it's been dangled
in front of me
fluttering bright
like a newly hatched
butterfly
but it is a hard time
chasing butterflies
when finally enclosing
them in your hand
you have to keep
checking to make
sure they're not crushed
while keeping them from
flying away
and nobody wants
to cage a
butterfly
it dulls their beauty
and mutes their colors
best to let them go
and try not to
miss them
too much
- May 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
MS Walk
I walk because I want to honor my mother
I want to honor the fighter in her, not the loss of her
I want to honor her spirit in the face of a devastatingly subtle disease with
conspicuous consequences
I want to honor the stubborn resister who raised me with autonomy knowing
that she'd leave me prematurely
I walk because I can physically get up and move my limbs
Limbs that resemble hers in length and width and color
Limbs that can move like she hadn't been able to in years
Limbs that are not independent of my brain and nervous system
I walk because I was unable to accept this disease and its cloaking of her until she was fully ensconced in it
Until she couldn't lift a fork to her mouth
Until she couldn't gesture wildly while telling her favorite stories
Until she took her last breath with a frown on her face, worrying about me while
looking into her unknown
I walk because I can do something positive with the gifts she's given me
This gift of life and the living of it with hope and appreciation
This gift of strength to continue on with purpose and a smile regardless of
the sadness I sometimes float in
This gift of quiet knowledge that the events unfolded like they were supposed to
and that regret is for the feint of heart
I walk because I want to make her as proud as she always made me
I walk
~ March 2006
I want to honor the fighter in her, not the loss of her
I want to honor her spirit in the face of a devastatingly subtle disease with
conspicuous consequences
I want to honor the stubborn resister who raised me with autonomy knowing
that she'd leave me prematurely
I walk because I can physically get up and move my limbs
Limbs that resemble hers in length and width and color
Limbs that can move like she hadn't been able to in years
Limbs that are not independent of my brain and nervous system
I walk because I was unable to accept this disease and its cloaking of her until she was fully ensconced in it
Until she couldn't lift a fork to her mouth
Until she couldn't gesture wildly while telling her favorite stories
Until she took her last breath with a frown on her face, worrying about me while
looking into her unknown
I walk because I can do something positive with the gifts she's given me
This gift of life and the living of it with hope and appreciation
This gift of strength to continue on with purpose and a smile regardless of
the sadness I sometimes float in
This gift of quiet knowledge that the events unfolded like they were supposed to
and that regret is for the feint of heart
I walk because I want to make her as proud as she always made me
I walk
~ March 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I don't know much ...
... but this is what life has taught me so far ...
Anything you are going through
good or bad
is temporary
so keep your eyes open
and breathe in the sun
while it warms your face
remembering that the next day
holds no promises
Happiness is a choice
we may not control
the world around us
but we rule our reactions to it
Strength is not always
a solitary thing
sometimes an outstretched hand
carries you further than
your own two feet
My great loves
have all been friends
that know my flaws the best
and whatever they see in me
is a reflection of my complete
adoration of them
Sadness may settle in my chest
on quiet nights
but I always wakeup lighter
Finding your talent
your inner beauty
gives you more self-worth
than any compliment ever will
So find out what you love
and do it
find out why you’re amazing
and be it
question yourself and
cut others some slack
you can only be responsible
for so much
let the rest go
Dance and be goofy
laugh at yourself
sing out loud
wherever you are
The hardest thing to do
is not settle
we are worth so much
More
than we know
hold onto that
through the loneliness
through the doubt
through the boredom
and thrive!
~ May 2006
Anything you are going through
good or bad
is temporary
so keep your eyes open
and breathe in the sun
while it warms your face
remembering that the next day
holds no promises
Happiness is a choice
we may not control
the world around us
but we rule our reactions to it
Strength is not always
a solitary thing
sometimes an outstretched hand
carries you further than
your own two feet
My great loves
have all been friends
that know my flaws the best
and whatever they see in me
is a reflection of my complete
adoration of them
Sadness may settle in my chest
on quiet nights
but I always wakeup lighter
Finding your talent
your inner beauty
gives you more self-worth
than any compliment ever will
So find out what you love
and do it
find out why you’re amazing
and be it
question yourself and
cut others some slack
you can only be responsible
for so much
let the rest go
Dance and be goofy
laugh at yourself
sing out loud
wherever you are
The hardest thing to do
is not settle
we are worth so much
More
than we know
hold onto that
through the loneliness
through the doubt
through the boredom
and thrive!
~ May 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Love is ...
Oh my gawd, it's finally done!!
How do you write honestly and unabashedly about something you haven't experienced in years, in the context of something you've never done?? And furthermore, how do you make it light and happy and idealistic while keepin it real? I'm not a foofy/girly/head-in-the-clouds writer or person, nor do I suffer that well - in writing or personality.
My cousin approached me with the lofty request to write and read a piece for her wedding .... during the ceremony .... in a bright red dress!! Keep in mind that this is BEFORE the reception when the libations start flowing. My audience will be sober and paying attention, at least until I start talking anyway. My initial thought was, "I love you and all, but no f-ing way am I going to do that!!" What actually came out of my mouth, much to my dismay and confusion (does my mouth remember how red my face gets while publicly speaking?) was, "Yeah, I'll get right on that." I think this was after we had taken many shots of the homemade Limoncello, so my acceptance cannot be held up in a court of law.
Anyway, my long-winded point is ..... the poem is done, or as done as it's gonna get, and while I'm relieved to have not left it for the night before (surprisingly), I still have to say it out loud to a big ole' group of people. Shit! What did I get myself into for love ....
If you ask 1000 different people
what love is
you'll get 1000 different answers
But it is in these differences
that love becomes vibrant and
fresh and individually tailored
For you both
I see a passion
unrivaled by past loves
Your affection a sign of
undying adoration
Oceans
fault lines
and family ties
not enough to keep you separate
And in separation
a strengthening and growth
of your bonds
I see reality
mixed with magic in your gazes
And optimism
in your thoughts and hopeful sighs
You remember that
love is not a happily-ever-after
It is a promise to
celebrate the good
and push on through the bad
It is a belief in yourself
that you are worthy of this life
and a strong faith in another to hold your heart
Love is a gift
and the choice you make
to return it
It is a climbing to the top
of a steep and perilous mountain
to be rewarded with
the beauty of the view
Love is knowing that
your mistakes will not break you
and your faults
not lessen your glow
The true test of love
is Time
It's in the settling
of charged particles
and clearing of dust
It's how you feel
after a fight
or change in your perceptions
It is in the every day
that true love unfolds
I wish you many real days
tempered with fairy tale moments
I wish you the wisdom
to appreciate the latter
for their brief appearances
and accept the former
in all its mundane glory
I wish you a marriage filled
with laughter and growth
and a story to tell your grandkids
on hot summer nights
I wish you family and light
But most of all
I wish you love
~ March 30, 2006
How do you write honestly and unabashedly about something you haven't experienced in years, in the context of something you've never done?? And furthermore, how do you make it light and happy and idealistic while keepin it real? I'm not a foofy/girly/head-in-the-clouds writer or person, nor do I suffer that well - in writing or personality.
My cousin approached me with the lofty request to write and read a piece for her wedding .... during the ceremony .... in a bright red dress!! Keep in mind that this is BEFORE the reception when the libations start flowing. My audience will be sober and paying attention, at least until I start talking anyway. My initial thought was, "I love you and all, but no f-ing way am I going to do that!!" What actually came out of my mouth, much to my dismay and confusion (does my mouth remember how red my face gets while publicly speaking?) was, "Yeah, I'll get right on that." I think this was after we had taken many shots of the homemade Limoncello, so my acceptance cannot be held up in a court of law.
Anyway, my long-winded point is ..... the poem is done, or as done as it's gonna get, and while I'm relieved to have not left it for the night before (surprisingly), I still have to say it out loud to a big ole' group of people. Shit! What did I get myself into for love ....
If you ask 1000 different people
what love is
you'll get 1000 different answers
But it is in these differences
that love becomes vibrant and
fresh and individually tailored
For you both
I see a passion
unrivaled by past loves
Your affection a sign of
undying adoration
Oceans
fault lines
and family ties
not enough to keep you separate
And in separation
a strengthening and growth
of your bonds
I see reality
mixed with magic in your gazes
And optimism
in your thoughts and hopeful sighs
You remember that
love is not a happily-ever-after
It is a promise to
celebrate the good
and push on through the bad
It is a belief in yourself
that you are worthy of this life
and a strong faith in another to hold your heart
Love is a gift
and the choice you make
to return it
It is a climbing to the top
of a steep and perilous mountain
to be rewarded with
the beauty of the view
Love is knowing that
your mistakes will not break you
and your faults
not lessen your glow
The true test of love
is Time
It's in the settling
of charged particles
and clearing of dust
It's how you feel
after a fight
or change in your perceptions
It is in the every day
that true love unfolds
I wish you many real days
tempered with fairy tale moments
I wish you the wisdom
to appreciate the latter
for their brief appearances
and accept the former
in all its mundane glory
I wish you a marriage filled
with laughter and growth
and a story to tell your grandkids
on hot summer nights
I wish you family and light
But most of all
I wish you love
~ March 30, 2006
The Reading
I’ve been thinking
a lot about love
in preparation
for this day
I wanted to
find something
perfect
to read
that encompassed
all you are
that put into words
eloquently and exactly
how you feel now
and how I hope
for you to feel
from now on
the I realized
in my search
for the
perfect poem
that the beauty
is in the search
and in the
imperfections
it reminded me
of life in general
and love specifically
the search
the broken hearts
the regrets
all fall away
when you find
what you never knew
you were going without
February, 2006
a lot about love
in preparation
for this day
I wanted to
find something
perfect
to read
that encompassed
all you are
that put into words
eloquently and exactly
how you feel now
and how I hope
for you to feel
from now on
the I realized
in my search
for the
perfect poem
that the beauty
is in the search
and in the
imperfections
it reminded me
of life in general
and love specifically
the search
the broken hearts
the regrets
all fall away
when you find
what you never knew
you were going without
February, 2006
Kim
Halloween
anniversaries
nights spent talking
laughing and wondering
how our lives would unfold
first loves
first broken hearts
and last looks
the dissection of every word said
every gesture performed
big milestones and
baby steps
every mundane thing
honored and validated
I call you Friend
a title not given lightly
or without implication
we’re family
sisters
souls come together in recognition
fights and tension
old wounds aired
brought into the light
to keep them from
festering in the darkness
what is between us now
is history
still in the making
I’m active in your life
as a memory
a bookmark
and sometimes voice of reason
or dictionary
to the familiar unknowns
call me and tell me
of your newest woe
and I’ll listen
with an empathetic heart
checking my judgment
as we go along
I am no one to say
where you should go
in love
or who with
just be careful with your heart
because when you break
I fragment a bit with you
we are of the same stone
that dissected years ago
and it’s buried
deep inside
the foundation of our friendship
don’t ever doubt
how amazing you are
and how proud
I am
to know you
May 7, 2006
anniversaries
nights spent talking
laughing and wondering
how our lives would unfold
first loves
first broken hearts
and last looks
the dissection of every word said
every gesture performed
big milestones and
baby steps
every mundane thing
honored and validated
I call you Friend
a title not given lightly
or without implication
we’re family
sisters
souls come together in recognition
fights and tension
old wounds aired
brought into the light
to keep them from
festering in the darkness
what is between us now
is history
still in the making
I’m active in your life
as a memory
a bookmark
and sometimes voice of reason
or dictionary
to the familiar unknowns
call me and tell me
of your newest woe
and I’ll listen
with an empathetic heart
checking my judgment
as we go along
I am no one to say
where you should go
in love
or who with
just be careful with your heart
because when you break
I fragment a bit with you
we are of the same stone
that dissected years ago
and it’s buried
deep inside
the foundation of our friendship
don’t ever doubt
how amazing you are
and how proud
I am
to know you
May 7, 2006
Possibilities
Possibilities
lie in the
birth of each new day
there are choices to make
and words to formulate
every time the sun
floats up to
its illustrious spot
in our humble sky
is a chance
to do something
amazing
it is a renewal
of hope
to live the life
we have envisioned
for ourselves
I look out
my car windows
eyes tired
from a restless night
and heart beating
for a dream untrue
and sense that
my life is headed
for something
more than
the sum of its parts
the mistakes I’ve made
no longer weigh me down
and words I regret
not saying
have been evicted
from my memory
like the lyrics
of once loved songs
I see the beauty
of my surroundings
and feel lucky
to live in this place
mt hood on fire
to my right
backlit by a halo of light
and the moon
to my left
sitting happily
in its exalted perch
fighting the daylight
and wanting to be seen
it makes me feel
optimistic and light
lessening the hurts
of the previous day
of the previous 26 years
I drive on
although I’d rather be sleeping
at this early hour
I drive on
to see more beauty unfold
as the minutes tick past
I drive on
to make my dreams
sharper and more malleable
I drive on
to spend 9 hours in a building
I’d rather burn down
I drive on
to alter the path
I’ve laid for myself
I drive on
February 15, 2006
lie in the
birth of each new day
there are choices to make
and words to formulate
every time the sun
floats up to
its illustrious spot
in our humble sky
is a chance
to do something
amazing
it is a renewal
of hope
to live the life
we have envisioned
for ourselves
I look out
my car windows
eyes tired
from a restless night
and heart beating
for a dream untrue
and sense that
my life is headed
for something
more than
the sum of its parts
the mistakes I’ve made
no longer weigh me down
and words I regret
not saying
have been evicted
from my memory
like the lyrics
of once loved songs
I see the beauty
of my surroundings
and feel lucky
to live in this place
mt hood on fire
to my right
backlit by a halo of light
and the moon
to my left
sitting happily
in its exalted perch
fighting the daylight
and wanting to be seen
it makes me feel
optimistic and light
lessening the hurts
of the previous day
of the previous 26 years
I drive on
although I’d rather be sleeping
at this early hour
I drive on
to see more beauty unfold
as the minutes tick past
I drive on
to make my dreams
sharper and more malleable
I drive on
to spend 9 hours in a building
I’d rather burn down
I drive on
to alter the path
I’ve laid for myself
I drive on
February 15, 2006
Love of another John?
I was moved tonight
by a song
it doesn’t sound
like much
the song or the movement
but it broke
something in me
opened some gate
I didn’t know
was barricaded
it was just a
song
although
I know
with all the creative talent
I can muster
that the good ones
are anything but
there was an
awakening
in the lyrics
forgiveness in the melody
we are all
ordinary people
it said
you’ve made mistakes
he said
but anyway
I choose you
what would that feel like?
January 31, 2006
by a song
it doesn’t sound
like much
the song or the movement
but it broke
something in me
opened some gate
I didn’t know
was barricaded
it was just a
song
although
I know
with all the creative talent
I can muster
that the good ones
are anything but
there was an
awakening
in the lyrics
forgiveness in the melody
we are all
ordinary people
it said
you’ve made mistakes
he said
but anyway
I choose you
what would that feel like?
January 31, 2006
To Frame or Not To Frame
that picture of us
haunts me
how can an image
knock the wind out
more swiftly
then the raw violence
of a sucker punch
I’m not getting
enough oxygen
to my brain
to formulate
a coherent thought
or assemble any inkling
of flowing prose
I have these moments
gifts really
of rare happiness
and confidence
in myself
and my future
and my choices
I can see
how far I’ve come
how much better
I have gotten
how good I was
to begin with
but once glance
at that picture
and I’m backpedaling
I’m haunted
haunts me
how can an image
knock the wind out
more swiftly
then the raw violence
of a sucker punch
I’m not getting
enough oxygen
to my brain
to formulate
a coherent thought
or assemble any inkling
of flowing prose
I have these moments
gifts really
of rare happiness
and confidence
in myself
and my future
and my choices
I can see
how far I’ve come
how much better
I have gotten
how good I was
to begin with
but once glance
at that picture
and I’m backpedaling
I’m haunted
Friday, May 12, 2006
"The darkest hour of the night comes right before the dawn."
If I am to believe
that dawn is
within my reach
than I can bear
these last 60 minutes
the winding down
of the clock
made that much
more bearable
with a goal in mind
a reason
a person
to look forward to
I see love
all around me
in parents' eyes
in hand holding
in hurried kisses
I read today of
personal legends
our goals in life
our destinies
individually
it said that
the heart speaks
to us as children
and for most
adulthood brings
with it silence
but the dream
is still there
fostered by hope
in some
and fear and dread
in others
if you develop
your dreams in
childhood
what's to be said
for those of us
that grew up
too fast
are childhoods
merely the dream
in and of themselves
I don't know
my personal legend
for sure
but when I'm quiet
when I look
at the stars
I dare to think
that my fate
will be fulfilled
by a great love
a love that makes
you believe
in soul mates
and past lives
and quiet looks in parks
70 years down the line
a love told of
over a cold drink
next to a warm fire
a love the grandkids
wish to have
one day
And maybe my
current loves
are omens
sign posts
down my path
riddled with resistance
and back stepping
and losing faith
They are my angels
backing me up
and keeping me grounded
all while allowing
my dreams
to fly higher
than they have
any reason to do
I wasn't raised
for greatness
I'm of a humble family
our story is of
no more importance
then you and yours
but I have
never felt I belonged
to me and mine
I'm an outsider
part of a duet
who's song has
not yet begun
~ December 26, 2005
that dawn is
within my reach
than I can bear
these last 60 minutes
the winding down
of the clock
made that much
more bearable
with a goal in mind
a reason
a person
to look forward to
I see love
all around me
in parents' eyes
in hand holding
in hurried kisses
I read today of
personal legends
our goals in life
our destinies
individually
it said that
the heart speaks
to us as children
and for most
adulthood brings
with it silence
but the dream
is still there
fostered by hope
in some
and fear and dread
in others
if you develop
your dreams in
childhood
what's to be said
for those of us
that grew up
too fast
are childhoods
merely the dream
in and of themselves
I don't know
my personal legend
for sure
but when I'm quiet
when I look
at the stars
I dare to think
that my fate
will be fulfilled
by a great love
a love that makes
you believe
in soul mates
and past lives
and quiet looks in parks
70 years down the line
a love told of
over a cold drink
next to a warm fire
a love the grandkids
wish to have
one day
And maybe my
current loves
are omens
sign posts
down my path
riddled with resistance
and back stepping
and losing faith
They are my angels
backing me up
and keeping me grounded
all while allowing
my dreams
to fly higher
than they have
any reason to do
I wasn't raised
for greatness
I'm of a humble family
our story is of
no more importance
then you and yours
but I have
never felt I belonged
to me and mine
I'm an outsider
part of a duet
who's song has
not yet begun
~ December 26, 2005
Changes
life changes
so subtly
that one day
you look up
and don't recognize
yourself
you look
in the mirror
wondering
how her eyes
lost their light
and how her face
got so tired
you have to be
aware
of all the things
that dig away
at you
every day
you need friends
that care enough
to call you out
when you're sliding
~ January 2006
so subtly
that one day
you look up
and don't recognize
yourself
you look
in the mirror
wondering
how her eyes
lost their light
and how her face
got so tired
you have to be
aware
of all the things
that dig away
at you
every day
you need friends
that care enough
to call you out
when you're sliding
~ January 2006
Hindsight
hindsight is such
a beautifully
annoying thing
looking back
the moments
of our lives
are so much
easier to view
than the hell
we had to go through
to create them
in remembrance
you can see
all your mistakes
in high definition
all the things
you should have said
run through
your mind
like a constant stream
of opportunities missed
and all of the things
that never should have
passed your lips
keep playing like
a badly dubbed movie
~ January 2006
a beautifully
annoying thing
looking back
the moments
of our lives
are so much
easier to view
than the hell
we had to go through
to create them
in remembrance
you can see
all your mistakes
in high definition
all the things
you should have said
run through
your mind
like a constant stream
of opportunities missed
and all of the things
that never should have
passed your lips
keep playing like
a badly dubbed movie
~ January 2006
New Year's Day
your birthday passed
like so many other
momentous occasions
and so many other
futile hours and minutes
that were given meaning
by your absence
I think of all the things
you've missed out on
and I missed you
being around for
I wanted your advice
and your pride
as selfish as that may be
I hope you're resting
I hope you're peaceful now
I even dare to hope that you're happy
I felt your soul leave
so I believe that it
exists and resides elsewhere
somewhere
other than this sometimes sad
confusing place
also known as life
so I will continue
to be hopeful
and continue to miss you
though I'm not naive enough
to believe that
time will erase
what I've lost in you
like so many other
momentous occasions
and so many other
futile hours and minutes
that were given meaning
by your absence
I think of all the things
you've missed out on
and I missed you
being around for
I wanted your advice
and your pride
as selfish as that may be
I hope you're resting
I hope you're peaceful now
I even dare to hope that you're happy
I felt your soul leave
so I believe that it
exists and resides elsewhere
somewhere
other than this sometimes sad
confusing place
also known as life
so I will continue
to be hopeful
and continue to miss you
though I'm not naive enough
to believe that
time will erase
what I've lost in you
Basement Musings
It's weird to be
sucked in again
yet feel unaffected
I read old emails
combing over words
searching for clues
as if I don't understand
what happened
as if I wasn't there
as if I wasn't immersed
in this madness
I don't know where
this newest incantation
of you is going
and I'm not sure
how much I really care
I feel numb to the
onslaught of emotions
I'm sure are to come
I'm losing parts
of my heart -
my friends,
my sisters -
to the dark side
love, that is
and maybe you're just a bridge
to gap this bottomless
gorge of loneliness
my single friends
keep dwindling down
like my limited finances
soon I will look up
and be the only one left
a north star that they can
look upon
if they need to find
their ways back
to whatever it was
we thought we were doing.
~ December 2005
sucked in again
yet feel unaffected
I read old emails
combing over words
searching for clues
as if I don't understand
what happened
as if I wasn't there
as if I wasn't immersed
in this madness
I don't know where
this newest incantation
of you is going
and I'm not sure
how much I really care
I feel numb to the
onslaught of emotions
I'm sure are to come
I'm losing parts
of my heart -
my friends,
my sisters -
to the dark side
love, that is
and maybe you're just a bridge
to gap this bottomless
gorge of loneliness
my single friends
keep dwindling down
like my limited finances
soon I will look up
and be the only one left
a north star that they can
look upon
if they need to find
their ways back
to whatever it was
we thought we were doing.
~ December 2005
ICU
it was never
a shock
i'll give you that
i was lucky
with the expectations
i had
None
hopelessness
is sometimes
a buffer
it keeps you
from being let down
i sat there
wishing opposite
wishes
of all the others
she can go
it's okay with me
i'm ready to breakdown
now
this way of life
is not for me
any longer
i've done my time
paid my price
for what crime
i'm unsure
but reformed
i am
all the same
~ December, 2005
a shock
i'll give you that
i was lucky
with the expectations
i had
None
hopelessness
is sometimes
a buffer
it keeps you
from being let down
i sat there
wishing opposite
wishes
of all the others
she can go
it's okay with me
i'm ready to breakdown
now
this way of life
is not for me
any longer
i've done my time
paid my price
for what crime
i'm unsure
but reformed
i am
all the same
~ December, 2005
5'4"
There are no words
to describe
our resilient bond
there are no words
to signify
what you mean to me
there are no words
to express
the residence you
take up in my soul
there are no words
to wear on my sleeve
as a mantra of love
my vocabulary
falls short
and my writing abilities wane
letter strung together
to form thoughts
and feelings
seem careless
and empty
compared to the
emotions assocaited
with us
the word friendship
doesn't begin to
encompass
the relationship we have
the familial bond
and unconditional support
run deeper than mere
phrases on a page
so i will make a new
definition of Friend
against which
to hold all others
and with which
to exalt you
~ October, 1 2005
to describe
our resilient bond
there are no words
to signify
what you mean to me
there are no words
to express
the residence you
take up in my soul
there are no words
to wear on my sleeve
as a mantra of love
my vocabulary
falls short
and my writing abilities wane
letter strung together
to form thoughts
and feelings
seem careless
and empty
compared to the
emotions assocaited
with us
the word friendship
doesn't begin to
encompass
the relationship we have
the familial bond
and unconditional support
run deeper than mere
phrases on a page
so i will make a new
definition of Friend
against which
to hold all others
and with which
to exalt you
~ October, 1 2005
64
I feel like a photograph
in a room filled
with impressionistic paintings
you can appreciate the beauty
in the colors
and the artistry
in the composition and technique
but what is there
is really a mirage
a partial image
made of someone elses
interpretation of the view
when you look at me closely
when you look at me far away
in a different room
in different light
I am still the same
you can pick out
intricate details
I am what I am
as real as the day I was snapped
an impressionistic painting
changes
with the lighting
with different brush strokes
with your nose pressed up against it
you never can tell
quite what it is
unless you squint
and wait for it to become
what its going to become
you have to have
the patience of Gandhi
and the understanding of Mother Teresa
while the vision unfolds
the beauty of me
is that I bare my soul
flaws and all
nothing is hidden
or remembered with
a rose-colored hue
what you see of me
is what you get of me
right away and always
nothing is veiled behind
fluffy clouds and soft waves
Ill never be
a great masterpiece
or auctioned off at Christies
but my power runs deeper
than the allure of
money and recognition
I am an anomaly
in a world filled with
Monets in frames
I am the lasting
vestige
of raw honesty
and detailed existence
as the subject changes
so will the picture that reflects it
regardless of the artists mood
or of the commission of a buyer
~ November 10, 2005
in a room filled
with impressionistic paintings
you can appreciate the beauty
in the colors
and the artistry
in the composition and technique
but what is there
is really a mirage
a partial image
made of someone elses
interpretation of the view
when you look at me closely
when you look at me far away
in a different room
in different light
I am still the same
you can pick out
intricate details
I am what I am
as real as the day I was snapped
an impressionistic painting
changes
with the lighting
with different brush strokes
with your nose pressed up against it
you never can tell
quite what it is
unless you squint
and wait for it to become
what its going to become
you have to have
the patience of Gandhi
and the understanding of Mother Teresa
while the vision unfolds
the beauty of me
is that I bare my soul
flaws and all
nothing is hidden
or remembered with
a rose-colored hue
what you see of me
is what you get of me
right away and always
nothing is veiled behind
fluffy clouds and soft waves
Ill never be
a great masterpiece
or auctioned off at Christies
but my power runs deeper
than the allure of
money and recognition
I am an anomaly
in a world filled with
Monets in frames
I am the lasting
vestige
of raw honesty
and detailed existence
as the subject changes
so will the picture that reflects it
regardless of the artists mood
or of the commission of a buyer
~ November 10, 2005
"There's no substitute for time ..."
i'm so sad
i can barely
lift my pen
to the paper
this decision
is making it hard
to see the light
at the end
of the proverbial tunnel
i have chosen
happiness
but have to
walk through
the thick fog
of sadness
to reach it
i miss you
so much
and it hasn't
even been 24-hours
we never got
a chance
to ignite the fires
that would burn
the bridges we built
on late night words
and my hopeless
honesty
the resentment
and broken promises
of wispered sweetness
weren't fostered
there's too many
what ifs
and
we chould have beens
my intuition
and my heart
have come to
the mutual conclusion
that you're mine
but your stubborn
persistence
to be so forlorn
is turning
my prediciton
into nothing more
than a pipe dream
but relationship
or not
my heart is broken
~ October 4, 2005
i can barely
lift my pen
to the paper
this decision
is making it hard
to see the light
at the end
of the proverbial tunnel
i have chosen
happiness
but have to
walk through
the thick fog
of sadness
to reach it
i miss you
so much
and it hasn't
even been 24-hours
we never got
a chance
to ignite the fires
that would burn
the bridges we built
on late night words
and my hopeless
honesty
the resentment
and broken promises
of wispered sweetness
weren't fostered
there's too many
what ifs
and
we chould have beens
my intuition
and my heart
have come to
the mutual conclusion
that you're mine
but your stubborn
persistence
to be so forlorn
is turning
my prediciton
into nothing more
than a pipe dream
but relationship
or not
my heart is broken
~ October 4, 2005
Daydreams
I dream of you
in the daylight
sleep
is the only
release I get
from your
unrelenting
grip on my
heart and
mind and
soul
you seep into
my consciousness
so smoothly
and seamlessly
that there
is no beginning
nor end to
my awareness of you
you wind your way
into my conversations
so quietly
that I don't
even realize
you're coming
out of my lips
you have polluted
my deepest
belief in love
the waters are
now
so murky
that I cannot see
what's coming
or where I've been
yet you can
see your reflection
in me
I feel like
my body is
still reaching out
for you
although
my mind
has verbally
cut all ties
I have aches
and pains
that can only
be explained
by missing you
I long
for the day
when I
cannot
remember
your face
when I
cannot
remember
how your
words first
made me feel
and when I
cannot
hear your voice
speaking the name
you gave me
I don't
know how
to shake
this premonition
that you're mine
that you
belong
with me
and though
doubts creep
around my mind
testing my conviction
by brandishing their
sharp weapons
of false
accusations
based on little
kernels of truth
I Hold Steady
What good
are beliefs
if they go untested
how strong
are soul mates
until they
walk through fire
towards one another
My fear
is that
you won't be
standing there
amongst the
charred remains
of our separation
my fear
is that
you'll be walking
with another
and
that I will
be nothing
more to you
than a memory.
~ October 2005
in the daylight
sleep
is the only
release I get
from your
unrelenting
grip on my
heart and
mind and
soul
you seep into
my consciousness
so smoothly
and seamlessly
that there
is no beginning
nor end to
my awareness of you
you wind your way
into my conversations
so quietly
that I don't
even realize
you're coming
out of my lips
you have polluted
my deepest
belief in love
the waters are
now
so murky
that I cannot see
what's coming
or where I've been
yet you can
see your reflection
in me
I feel like
my body is
still reaching out
for you
although
my mind
has verbally
cut all ties
I have aches
and pains
that can only
be explained
by missing you
I long
for the day
when I
cannot
remember
your face
when I
cannot
remember
how your
words first
made me feel
and when I
cannot
hear your voice
speaking the name
you gave me
I don't
know how
to shake
this premonition
that you're mine
that you
belong
with me
and though
doubts creep
around my mind
testing my conviction
by brandishing their
sharp weapons
of false
accusations
based on little
kernels of truth
I Hold Steady
What good
are beliefs
if they go untested
how strong
are soul mates
until they
walk through fire
towards one another
My fear
is that
you won't be
standing there
amongst the
charred remains
of our separation
my fear
is that
you'll be walking
with another
and
that I will
be nothing
more to you
than a memory.
~ October 2005
Belief ... not the Gavin song
I have to believe
that the mistakes
I've made
weren't made in vein
I have to believe
that they won't
haunt me
and follow me around
like lost little ghost puppies
I have to believe
in fate
have to believe
in belief
Otherwise
I am just
a mass of chance
every choice made
every wrong turn
leading me in
so many different directions
each time deviating
further and further
from where I need
to be
from where I
should be
If I don't
believe in fate
then the sadness
of my past
will be reduced
to a coin toss
my personality
my smile
my suffering
my happiness
will all be the progeny
of coincidence
I have to believe
that I'm meant
to be here now
to be asking
these questions
to be floating
in the thick confusion
that I'm sometimes ensconced in
I have to believe
that there is an explanation
as elusive as it is
for the adulthood
I was thrown into
long before
I could see over the counter
I have to believe
that I'm falling
because I was meant to
not because there was
no one to catch me
when I lost my footing
Faith
Belief
these are the choices
we make
these are the things
that answer
the unanswerable questions
they give us an out
some reason for our distinct being
and I have to believe
~ September 2005
that the mistakes
I've made
weren't made in vein
I have to believe
that they won't
haunt me
and follow me around
like lost little ghost puppies
I have to believe
in fate
have to believe
in belief
Otherwise
I am just
a mass of chance
every choice made
every wrong turn
leading me in
so many different directions
each time deviating
further and further
from where I need
to be
from where I
should be
If I don't
believe in fate
then the sadness
of my past
will be reduced
to a coin toss
my personality
my smile
my suffering
my happiness
will all be the progeny
of coincidence
I have to believe
that I'm meant
to be here now
to be asking
these questions
to be floating
in the thick confusion
that I'm sometimes ensconced in
I have to believe
that there is an explanation
as elusive as it is
for the adulthood
I was thrown into
long before
I could see over the counter
I have to believe
that I'm falling
because I was meant to
not because there was
no one to catch me
when I lost my footing
Faith
Belief
these are the choices
we make
these are the things
that answer
the unanswerable questions
they give us an out
some reason for our distinct being
and I have to believe
~ September 2005
Long distance phone call
it's hard to be here
you see your friends
in love
or well on their way
you see your love
loving someone else
and wonder if maybe
somewhere along the way
you gained some flaw
an invisible scar
that prevents you
from being chosen
you talked tonight
about doubting
if everything
happens for a reason
we named the big 3
the holy trinity of tragedies
that we have endured
together
and separately
where is our peace
and sense of well-being?
she's found it
as much as she
ever will, I think
you're going down
the path of
least resistance
while I'm still
fighting through
this dark forest
without a map
or endpoint
I'm glad you're happy
I am your ever loyal friend
watching your story
as it unfolds
but wanting one
of my own
~ October 2005
you see your friends
in love
or well on their way
you see your love
loving someone else
and wonder if maybe
somewhere along the way
you gained some flaw
an invisible scar
that prevents you
from being chosen
you talked tonight
about doubting
if everything
happens for a reason
we named the big 3
the holy trinity of tragedies
that we have endured
together
and separately
where is our peace
and sense of well-being?
she's found it
as much as she
ever will, I think
you're going down
the path of
least resistance
while I'm still
fighting through
this dark forest
without a map
or endpoint
I'm glad you're happy
I am your ever loyal friend
watching your story
as it unfolds
but wanting one
of my own
~ October 2005
Damn Camp
Your facetious smile
and your cool shoes
your humor in general
and your jokes in particular
your way of cutting
people down to size
without them even realizing it
Will all be missed
There is no pretension
where you're concerned
and there is no need
for fake behavior
you tell it like it is
whatever it may be
and you are as real as anyone
can hope their friends to be
as real as your faults
and mishaps
and debacles
and we love you more for them
Your good heart
your loyalty
and familial feeding
your mad camping skillz
your penchant for beer,
good company, and a backyard
your expert one-handed "fersbee" throwing
and spastic soccer playing
Will all be missed
You have a childlike zest for life
that permeates you
and all those around you
your joy is contagious
and we're lucky to know you
Your entertaining accompaniment
to Kell's and Rock Bottom
and all the other joints in between
your story telling and presence
during a painful artistic experience
your small Raych ways
of showing you care (pat, pat)
are things to be cherished
and not taken for granted
your dependable driving
and epic message leaving
your dart throwing Chicago pose
and knowledge of all things OPB
Will all be missed
You are the best kind of friend
unconditional
kind
honest
and fun
you brighten our days
and spice up our nightly conversations
you give without reservation
and expect nothing in return
You will be missed
because we love you
because you are a sister
because you are You!
~ September 2005
and your cool shoes
your humor in general
and your jokes in particular
your way of cutting
people down to size
without them even realizing it
Will all be missed
There is no pretension
where you're concerned
and there is no need
for fake behavior
you tell it like it is
whatever it may be
and you are as real as anyone
can hope their friends to be
as real as your faults
and mishaps
and debacles
and we love you more for them
Your good heart
your loyalty
and familial feeding
your mad camping skillz
your penchant for beer,
good company, and a backyard
your expert one-handed "fersbee" throwing
and spastic soccer playing
Will all be missed
You have a childlike zest for life
that permeates you
and all those around you
your joy is contagious
and we're lucky to know you
Your entertaining accompaniment
to Kell's and Rock Bottom
and all the other joints in between
your story telling and presence
during a painful artistic experience
your small Raych ways
of showing you care (pat, pat)
are things to be cherished
and not taken for granted
your dependable driving
and epic message leaving
your dart throwing Chicago pose
and knowledge of all things OPB
Will all be missed
You are the best kind of friend
unconditional
kind
honest
and fun
you brighten our days
and spice up our nightly conversations
you give without reservation
and expect nothing in return
You will be missed
because we love you
because you are a sister
because you are You!
~ September 2005
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
That Day
It's weird today
a year ago I awoke
and went through the same ritual
as today
but something was very different then
I still showered
brushed my teeth
put on my work clothes
The sun was shining like it is today
but the air felt more electric
charged
but calmer
all at the same time
I could feel her spirit all around me
as she readied for her departure
On that day
as I walked out to my car
and felt the first morning breeze on my face
I looked up
into the blue cloudless sky
and knew that I would wish her farewell
That day
I knew that she would not make it through
another 24-hours on this earth
in her current state of being
she would be gone
like that day's newspapers
I had to go to work though
things to do
RESPONSIBILITIES
Denial
Escape
But I felt guilty
and scared and panicky
I didn't want her to go alone
she needed to know that I loved her
more than I love myself and
I would have given up my life for her
to be happy
to walk
to dance
to laugh
just one more time
But I worked
I finished what I had to
then I cried in my boss's office
and told her I couldn't stay one minute longer
That day
First I went home to change
and gather my strength
I have a wealth of it
to choose from, you know
and it was times like those
when I resented it the least
when I could see the looks on their faces
mirrored from my own
how does she deal with this all alone?
they would think
how does she still laugh and joke
and go to work
while her mom lies
literally
on her deathbed?
Strength is just the generic term
for whatever it was
that kept me going
I don't even know
how I was able to function
how I was able to adjust
"normally"
relatively anyway
does it really matter?
But before going there
I needed to prepare
for the hard day ahead
I brought provisions to get me through
magazines to keep my mind idle
and distract me from
focusing too acutely
on the reality that was
bearing down on me
with the weight of my regrets
and words unsaid
music to bring some nuance
of beauty and light
into an otherwise
dark and hopeless occasion
and some snacks to hold me over
although eating felt like some kind of betrayal
She needed to know I was trying
she needed to know that I would stay with her
no matter how long it took
no matter how hard it was
no matter what I needed to tell her
but couldn't
no matter how hard she had tried
to push me away
no matter how alone I felt
without all the others she had exiled
At the end she was still
stubborn and resistant
or at least that's what
I will tell my children
she fought harder
than most would have
and I alone led her off
resting my forehead on our joined hands
until she broke free
and floated away
I will tell my children
that she lived on her feet
and never knelt down
they will know her laugh
and the tilt of her head
the way that they will know my own
they will dance with me
bare feet on the coffee table
laughing at the joy of it
while I laugh at the memory
I am her connection to the living
to the future
I will not let her memory fade
like my grief will
she is my good
and my bad
and my everything in between
and I will not forget
she was my beginning
and very well could have been
the end of me
and I will not forget
That day
~ August 27, 2005
a year ago I awoke
and went through the same ritual
as today
but something was very different then
I still showered
brushed my teeth
put on my work clothes
The sun was shining like it is today
but the air felt more electric
charged
but calmer
all at the same time
I could feel her spirit all around me
as she readied for her departure
On that day
as I walked out to my car
and felt the first morning breeze on my face
I looked up
into the blue cloudless sky
and knew that I would wish her farewell
That day
I knew that she would not make it through
another 24-hours on this earth
in her current state of being
she would be gone
like that day's newspapers
I had to go to work though
things to do
RESPONSIBILITIES
Denial
Escape
But I felt guilty
and scared and panicky
I didn't want her to go alone
she needed to know that I loved her
more than I love myself and
I would have given up my life for her
to be happy
to walk
to dance
to laugh
just one more time
But I worked
I finished what I had to
then I cried in my boss's office
and told her I couldn't stay one minute longer
That day
First I went home to change
and gather my strength
I have a wealth of it
to choose from, you know
and it was times like those
when I resented it the least
when I could see the looks on their faces
mirrored from my own
how does she deal with this all alone?
they would think
how does she still laugh and joke
and go to work
while her mom lies
literally
on her deathbed?
Strength is just the generic term
for whatever it was
that kept me going
I don't even know
how I was able to function
how I was able to adjust
"normally"
relatively anyway
does it really matter?
But before going there
I needed to prepare
for the hard day ahead
I brought provisions to get me through
magazines to keep my mind idle
and distract me from
focusing too acutely
on the reality that was
bearing down on me
with the weight of my regrets
and words unsaid
music to bring some nuance
of beauty and light
into an otherwise
dark and hopeless occasion
and some snacks to hold me over
although eating felt like some kind of betrayal
She needed to know I was trying
she needed to know that I would stay with her
no matter how long it took
no matter how hard it was
no matter what I needed to tell her
but couldn't
no matter how hard she had tried
to push me away
no matter how alone I felt
without all the others she had exiled
At the end she was still
stubborn and resistant
or at least that's what
I will tell my children
she fought harder
than most would have
and I alone led her off
resting my forehead on our joined hands
until she broke free
and floated away
I will tell my children
that she lived on her feet
and never knelt down
they will know her laugh
and the tilt of her head
the way that they will know my own
they will dance with me
bare feet on the coffee table
laughing at the joy of it
while I laugh at the memory
I am her connection to the living
to the future
I will not let her memory fade
like my grief will
she is my good
and my bad
and my everything in between
and I will not forget
she was my beginning
and very well could have been
the end of me
and I will not forget
That day
~ August 27, 2005
Sabbatical
it's okay that
you didn't like me
enough
and it's okay that
you were never
really that into me
it's okay that
you were turned off
by my actions
you can't help
what you feel
i am a testament to that
what's not okay
is how you pull
me along
by a string
and just when
i think it will finally
break
you tie another knot
to strengthen something
that is made of
mist
and expectations
and strong wills
you're playing me
like an old
out of tune
piano
and i keep letting you
caress my ivory keys
i'm addicted to your
fingers
and your
rhythm
i don't want this
song to end
but it already has
and what i'm hearing
is only the echoing
in my head
this whole time
you were a mirage
i kept seeing things
that were never there
where does that leave me?
alone
embarrassed
admonished
sitting with my hand slapped
my lesson learned
i learn all my lessons
in real time
and it gets harder
to recover each time
i fall down
and each movement
to stand on my feet again
more sluggish
and weary
~ July 2005
you didn't like me
enough
and it's okay that
you were never
really that into me
it's okay that
you were turned off
by my actions
you can't help
what you feel
i am a testament to that
what's not okay
is how you pull
me along
by a string
and just when
i think it will finally
break
you tie another knot
to strengthen something
that is made of
mist
and expectations
and strong wills
you're playing me
like an old
out of tune
piano
and i keep letting you
caress my ivory keys
i'm addicted to your
fingers
and your
rhythm
i don't want this
song to end
but it already has
and what i'm hearing
is only the echoing
in my head
this whole time
you were a mirage
i kept seeing things
that were never there
where does that leave me?
alone
embarrassed
admonished
sitting with my hand slapped
my lesson learned
i learn all my lessons
in real time
and it gets harder
to recover each time
i fall down
and each movement
to stand on my feet again
more sluggish
and weary
~ July 2005
OCD
even when it's just a friend
i can't be normal
how do other girls handle this?
i go to a movie
read a book
turn off my phone
and pretend i wasn't
waiting
for it to ring
does she wait for your calls?
i send messages, emails,
letters in sand
but they all get washed away
what does it mean
to be your friend?
maybe i'm not cut out for this
soul mating
are we supposed to be together?
and what would that amount to
chaos
constant frustration
long discussions about us
about books
about nothing
could you really be with me?
make me laugh
kiss me with a mouth cooled by ice cream
let me speak
go for walks on restless summer nights
think of me first upon waking
love me without reservations or expectations
i don't ask for much
i have a split personality
and splintered heart
part of me has the audacity to believe
that i'm cut out for something
better
than distrust and false accusations
than merely dating
than not finding the love of my life
while the other part of me
wonders
if i deserve anything other
than what i've been given
wonders
if i squandered my chances
wonders
if i'll ever learn to open
my god damn eyes
wonders
what i'll see
i want a love that
will take down these walls of mine
like the walls of Berlin
separating the resolute from the weary
i want a love that
will stop this loneliness
that clings to me like empty vapor
clouding my dreams and
diluting my happiest moments
i want a love that
will take out the garbage
and pick up dirty socks
i don't ask for much
~ June 2005
i can't be normal
how do other girls handle this?
i go to a movie
read a book
turn off my phone
and pretend i wasn't
waiting
for it to ring
does she wait for your calls?
i send messages, emails,
letters in sand
but they all get washed away
what does it mean
to be your friend?
maybe i'm not cut out for this
soul mating
are we supposed to be together?
and what would that amount to
chaos
constant frustration
long discussions about us
about books
about nothing
could you really be with me?
make me laugh
kiss me with a mouth cooled by ice cream
let me speak
go for walks on restless summer nights
think of me first upon waking
love me without reservations or expectations
i don't ask for much
i have a split personality
and splintered heart
part of me has the audacity to believe
that i'm cut out for something
better
than distrust and false accusations
than merely dating
than not finding the love of my life
while the other part of me
wonders
if i deserve anything other
than what i've been given
wonders
if i squandered my chances
wonders
if i'll ever learn to open
my god damn eyes
wonders
what i'll see
i want a love that
will take down these walls of mine
like the walls of Berlin
separating the resolute from the weary
i want a love that
will stop this loneliness
that clings to me like empty vapor
clouding my dreams and
diluting my happiest moments
i want a love that
will take out the garbage
and pick up dirty socks
i don't ask for much
~ June 2005
SC Is Stealin All The Good Ones
I miss you already
and although you haven't yet left
it feels like you've been gone forever
I know that our friendship
can withstand these 3000 miles
but still the test is hard
I never realized how
alone I was in this
until you went away
you're the only one
that understands
Her
Me
what we went through
you saw her in assisted living
in the nursing homes
in the hospital
in ashes
floating on the water
I wonder if she ever sank?
I sit at night thinking
constantly
my head keeps me awake
while my body begs for rest
I want to call you
but you're three hours ahead
in time
in life
in healing
I feel like a kid again
without direction or purpose
the weight has been lifted
but where does that leave me
I identified with it
it's who I was
it allowed me to step back
to set myself apart
to see the world through hallowed eyes
I don't wish for it to be different
then I wouldn't be me
then I would have no excuse
explanation
or use
for this state of sadness
that I seem to reside in
or for the loneliness
that wraps itself around me
like the soft blanket
made for a newborn
I don't know how to live
any other life
or be any other way
would we be friends without this?
our foundation is made of tears
broken pieces of our hearts
the strength of our persistence
to really feel loss
and know unfair circumstance
~ May 2005
and although you haven't yet left
it feels like you've been gone forever
I know that our friendship
can withstand these 3000 miles
but still the test is hard
I never realized how
alone I was in this
until you went away
you're the only one
that understands
Her
Me
what we went through
you saw her in assisted living
in the nursing homes
in the hospital
in ashes
floating on the water
I wonder if she ever sank?
I sit at night thinking
constantly
my head keeps me awake
while my body begs for rest
I want to call you
but you're three hours ahead
in time
in life
in healing
I feel like a kid again
without direction or purpose
the weight has been lifted
but where does that leave me
I identified with it
it's who I was
it allowed me to step back
to set myself apart
to see the world through hallowed eyes
I don't wish for it to be different
then I wouldn't be me
then I would have no excuse
explanation
or use
for this state of sadness
that I seem to reside in
or for the loneliness
that wraps itself around me
like the soft blanket
made for a newborn
I don't know how to live
any other life
or be any other way
would we be friends without this?
our foundation is made of tears
broken pieces of our hearts
the strength of our persistence
to really feel loss
and know unfair circumstance
~ May 2005
My Strength is a Curse
it keeps my friends from
thinking of me on Mother's Day
it keeps my family from
calling on the 27th
they say she'll be fine
she's strong
like Lisa
well, Lisa died alone
she had one friend
one love
one child
one family
but many legacies
who will remember her last words?
what was she thinking that week?
did she forgive me?
was she scared?
did it hurt?
I walked around with
her world on my shoulders
but I could sleep at night
I could barely breathe with the weight
of her sorrow on my chest
but I never lost my appetite
I had to beg her to let go
take my hand and come with me
Please!
there's nothing here for you anymore
your body has poisoned your soul
long enough
you haven't lost
you're not giving up
sometimes you have to quit
while you're behind
264 days she's been gone
and I can still remember how I felt
I remember how the air smelled
I remember the sound
of the magazine pages turning
as the piano played in the background
I played Prince for old time's sake
one last Kiss before you go
I remember the exact moment
that it happened
5:46 on a Friday and you're changed forever
in ways that you can't even see
you're free
or is that me?
you're no longer imprisoned in this case
with this infestuous virus your keeper
where are you now?
does the soul really continue on?
do you see me?
can you hear me crying?
can you feel me gasping for air
like you had to those last 3 days?
do you empathize or pity me?
you know what it's like to rage and cry
without anyone to hang onto
you gave me your strength
but at what cost?
we don't need anyone
we can do this ourselves
hold back your own hair
when the tears clog your throat
I can see myself slipping
yet I never ask for a hand
I don't want to end up like you
~ May 2005
thinking of me on Mother's Day
it keeps my family from
calling on the 27th
they say she'll be fine
she's strong
like Lisa
well, Lisa died alone
she had one friend
one love
one child
one family
but many legacies
who will remember her last words?
what was she thinking that week?
did she forgive me?
was she scared?
did it hurt?
I walked around with
her world on my shoulders
but I could sleep at night
I could barely breathe with the weight
of her sorrow on my chest
but I never lost my appetite
I had to beg her to let go
take my hand and come with me
Please!
there's nothing here for you anymore
your body has poisoned your soul
long enough
you haven't lost
you're not giving up
sometimes you have to quit
while you're behind
264 days she's been gone
and I can still remember how I felt
I remember how the air smelled
I remember the sound
of the magazine pages turning
as the piano played in the background
I played Prince for old time's sake
one last Kiss before you go
I remember the exact moment
that it happened
5:46 on a Friday and you're changed forever
in ways that you can't even see
you're free
or is that me?
you're no longer imprisoned in this case
with this infestuous virus your keeper
where are you now?
does the soul really continue on?
do you see me?
can you hear me crying?
can you feel me gasping for air
like you had to those last 3 days?
do you empathize or pity me?
you know what it's like to rage and cry
without anyone to hang onto
you gave me your strength
but at what cost?
we don't need anyone
we can do this ourselves
hold back your own hair
when the tears clog your throat
I can see myself slipping
yet I never ask for a hand
I don't want to end up like you
~ May 2005
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