Crush

I can’t sleep at night
I’m exhausted by
my imagination
covers are rumpled
from tossing and turning
remembering him

I analyze eye gazes and
go over phrases said in the dark
decipher sign language and body movements
as if they are some clue
to his true meaning

I can’t sleep at night
because of frustration
I had my chance
so long ago
but took the other path
instead
the path that led me
to tears and tantrums
to mini heartbreaks
and self-doubt
I chose someone else
over him
and that someone else
chose another
over me

where poets see justice
I only see pain
and all I want to do is sleep

December 2006

Heartbreak

you never know
when it will hit you
at a movie
walking your dog
in the middle of a sentence
heartbreak is quick

innocently looking
through pictures
you see him there
daring to smile
as tears sneak up on you
heartbreak is sharp

joking through the pain
and embarrassment
wondering why it couldn’t be you
asking what you lack
or what imperfection you possess
heartbreak is baffling

wandering through life
craving human contact
blinded by sadness
missing opportunities
passing through possibilities
heartbreak is misguiding

searching for words
bleeding from fingertips
trying to stop the pain
with the right phrase
missing the point
of the whole thing
heartbreak is poisonous

you will never know all that I am
will never kiss my eyelids
or feel my breath on your neck
I will not share a secret smile with you
or curl up next to you in bed
heartbreak taught me that

January 2006

I don't know how ...

not for the first
time in life
i sit paralyzed
by fear

this fear is different
than the one i was
once
intimately connected to
though
it’s a slower
more subtle
fear
that comes and goes
like a season
or a cold

i can go for
days or weeks
without
remnants
of its presence
until it appears
dulling me
with the weight
of its power

it’s a fear
that is hard
to talk about
that tests
my ability to
share myself
with those
that i trust

instead
i stare
at this bright
white screen
willing the words
to make sense
to someone
to anyone
to me

i know what
it is that i want
i know that it
exists in ways
that are inconceivable
to others
and i know
that it has been
experienced
and written about
in ways i only dream of

i’m moved by the stories
and the emotions
they evoke
and am sad that
i have no firsthand
knowledge
i don’t know how

i don’t know how

i can only wonder
if i ever will …

November 2006

ennui

this numbness
is starting to wear me out
i haven’t felt a raw emotion
in some time
and am starting to
forget what to call
the majority of them
let alone experience
the havoc they reap

there are so many
with subtle differences
and flowery names
but ambivalence
ennui
apathy
are all i seem to feel

i like that word
ennui
it’s a snobby,
pretensions word
for boredom
and very exciting way
to name something that
is decidedly not

September 2006

Falling Leaves

All these words
all these letters
all this time gone by

the leaves are changing
and there you sit
sameness surrounding you
like a thick smoke

you are an evergreen
never changing
not really growing
stagnant
you have an archaic
sense of self-understanding
and a blinding bias
for your own analysis

there is so much you don’t know

where lessons are learned
you walk by
looking at your reflection
in the window
showing a you
that is shinier and more open
than the actual image it
represents

but
we are all like this
reflections of our true selves
representations of
our best foot
forward
hiding
mismatched socks
and holey toes
curled up inside

September 2006

2 Years

sitting on the sidelines
of beautiful water
and melodic words
surrounded by strangers
next to love

cannot believe
it has been this long
cannot believe
time will continue to pass
in a holding pattern
i cannot let go of

tried to get away from
my life
for a day or two
ran into my past
distorted
into a hazy future

floating on this
slow barge of apathy
wondering when
the next stop is
and in what state
of unrest it will be

wanting all these things
i used to have
but needing them
in a different way

life is a continual spiral
the ends are beginnings
and the middles contain lessons
only seen on the fray

need to learn how to learn
and find my path
because all we have
is a walk
without absolute destination

need to hold the hand
of the one next to me
and step forward

August 29, 2006

5 Reasons

5 reasons I might just become the scary, insane lady on the block that lives alone and scares small children. Oh suburban living...

1) I just went outside in my undies and a tank top (its very hot and humid!) to yell "scram" at the neighborhood cats that like to make a habit of standing 2.5 inches away from one another in my front yard to have a meowing match while raising their hackles. Who the hell says "scram" anymore anyway except your poor, crazy, old Aunt Gertrude and the weird guy on the corner that sings into the handle of a used plunger to get passing cars to donate to his beer cause?

2) I have 3 cats and live alone ... and talk to them at times ... and talk to myself ... and have 3 cats and live alone.

3) When I think of something funny, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, I will laugh out loud (usually tilting my head back in full lisa d style). Picture me sitting at my desk in the branch of a credit union in my smartest banker outfit. I'm seemingly typing and working diligently one moment and the next moment I'm laughing, lets face it cackling really, at nothing but the raucous images in my head.

4) When I find that I have accidentally walked through a discarded spider web and have a 6% chance of having a spider in my near vicinity I will do the full-on, freak out bug dance complete with spazzy, flailing body movements and high-pitched eeks of fear. (This usually happens right outside my door as I'm leaving for work almost everyday, and I still don't seem to catch on after all my repeat performances.)

5) While trying to start my lawn mower and tame my raging patch of land, I had one of my first temper tantrums since NKOTB broke up. This happened on a Sunday (holy resting day batman) in the afternoon while my neighbors were out. I kicked, I screamed, I pouted, and finally gave in. Damn red metal bastard!

To be continued ...

This is how I roll

Dina, Kayla and I rode our bikes on Padden last night. It's a concrete path with some pretty vegetation on the side of a busy road - a glorified sidewalk really - but nice for bike riding and walking, if not a bit loud. So we ride about 4 miles, turn around at this intersection, and then ride back.

Kayla rides like she's drug smuggling and has the fuzz quick on her tail. You can try to keep up with her at first, but all of the sudden you look up and she's but a speck in the distance. I come trailing next, slow but steady like a normal - if not totally out of shape - bike rider. Then comes Dina la-la-la'ing her way along, smiling at the blueberries, and squirrel-watching like the zen bike rider that she is.

Needless to say, Kayla reaches each intersection first, then I come huffing along, and then Dina arrives all cheerful and we continue on. At the last intersection before the big turn-around-and-come-back, Kayla is waiting patiently (and a bit fervently if you ask me) as I roll up and try to do this almost-rear-end-her turn and stop maneuver. My foot gets caught (that's the official story, but really I think my leg was just too tired to move from the petal) and doesn't hit the pavement in time and I fall over on my side with my bike landing on top of me in a glorious thud. Not only is this hilarious to Kayla and I, but I also have an audience of about 8 or 10 cars that think my klutziness is entertaining and they proceed to point and laugh as well.

All in all, this was a valuable lesson. You're never to old to fall over and be laughed at, and it doesn't hurt at all. This allowed me the freedom to take my bike off some sweet jumps in Dina's neighborhood and not be afraid of biffing it .... again!

Shoulding

i should be
cleaning my house
because hairballs
are floating by my feet
like tumbleweeds
on a deserted
hardwood highway

i should be
mowing my lawn
because it gives
the word overgrown
an entirely new
dimension and meaning
and i think there’s
an APB out
for a neighborhood cat
lost in the
rickety jungle
that is my backyard

i should be
more fashion forward
and thrift store savvy
as i cringe at the
tedious selections
meekly hanging
in my closet
and draped over
most of the surfaces
of my bedroom

i should be
erudite and
more informed of
political topics
as i have such a
love for words and thoughts
and have strong opinions
on most things debatable

i should be
more adept in the kitchen
remembering the
frozen burrito
i had for breakfast
and my gourmet dinner
of cornnuts last night

i should be
making a list
of all the things
that i am
instead of focusing
on what i may
or may not be
but ….
what would it say

~ July 2006

Wednesday

I wish
I could write
but there is
nothing to say

there’s the
blinking
of an unset clock
and a cat bathing
nearby

he is the
weirdest cat
I have ever had

I wake up to
bottle caps
and hair ties
in my shoes

his crooked tail
flails behind him
as he barrels
through the house
slipping
most awkwardly
on the hardwood floors

he has been
described as
sitting fat
and disaffected
in corners
by one of
my favorite writers

but he notices things
with an eerily
human-like
perceptiveness

he’s always the first
to detect
when I’m sad
comforting me
the best way
he knows how

~ June 2006

Tuesday

there is
a painting
on my wall
that reminds me
of a calla lily
and I wonder
what other
walls it will adorn
in the future

I feel like
this first house
of mine
will usher in
a new phase
of my life

I’m all grown up now
it seems
strapped down with
a mortgage
and the worries
of middle management
this isn’t
at all
how I thought
I would turn out

well
that’s not
entirely true
I didn’t have
the ability
to imagine
my life after
she left it
and now
though I have
the freedom
of an empty page
I’m somewhat scared
of the words
that will be written
upon it
and terrified of
what might be
left unsaid

~ June 2006

Monday

Monday
10:49 PM
there is a
fucking
dog barking
and I’ve never
felt like
kicking ass
more than I do
right now

people seem
to have
lost their
sense of
courtesy

they think …
hmmm
this annoying
yapping
probably
isn’t bothering
anyone
I’ll just
turn up my TV
pop another top
off the old Milwaukee’s Best
and scratch my belly
for no apparent reason
if I had
more teeth
I’d munch on
some of
that there
peanut brittle
I’m so fund of …

ahhhh
silence
the commercial
is over
back to
edited reality

~ May 2006

Just found this in an old email ...

... and forgot I had even written it ...

i dreamt that i was
shrouded in a
golden glow
warmed from the inside out
rays reaching to you
as my mind
finally stilled
more peaceful
than i've been
in months
as the pieces of me
fell away

i can't sense you
you have moved on
fully and completely
do you still think of me
or is it true what they say
time is not real
and these years are but
the blink of an eye to you

you yawn
awoken from your
peaceful slumber
stretching your long
lanky, restored limbs
and stare at something beautiful
as i work day after day
and go through the motions
remembering you
honoring you
missing you

were we not solely connected
was i supposed to be yours
or was i born a fluke
the line that ties me to you
is getting thinner and thinner
you become more like a theory
a story of loss
the embodiment of
things that never came to fruition
a mother in disguise

i'm stuck
i don't know where to go
from here
and need you more
than i ever thought possible

i need to know your mistakes
so i don't go
traipsing through them
blindly
i need to memorize
your triumphs
so i can make repeat performances
and drink from the cup of wisdom
you held so tightly to your chest

the things that you taught me
that slipped pastmy stubborn defenses
may not have been
what you intended
to pass along
i seem to be taking
the bad more liberally
than the good
and can barely remember
where to go from here

~ February 23, 2006

Ordinary Angels

friends
are a funny thing
some of them float
easily
into your life
and settle
in your chest
as if filling
a spot created
just for them

if you're lucky
you get one of
these a lifetime

they are the family
you were
separated from
at birth
that you spend
your life
searching for
but don't know
you're missing
they are the people
you choose to love
and aren't tied to
through blood
or obligation
or marriage

they fill you up
and make you float
surrounding you
with love
so buoyant
that reality
as you know it
is changed
your existence is brighter
your laugh louder
your sadness less sharp

they are ordinary
Angels
walking beside you
in front of you
and behind you
acknowledging your needs
to lead
to follow
and to fall into step

they are the ones
that remind you
to be amazing
they make you want
to be better
to keep growing
hoping one day
to be for them
what they are to you
they make you feel
celebrated
and cherished
while reminding
you to be
humble
they keep you in check
with a grace that allows
you to take the
lesson for what it is
and they make you
feel like you're
greater
than you are
so that you'll
do greater things

I do not
possess such
a wizardry with words
as to write a song
to sing their praises
but I will
lay my gratitude
at their feet
for the gifts
they continuously
give me
the gifts of
friendship
loyalty
laughter
forgiveness
understanding
growth
and belonging

Thank you

~ June 20, 2006

Seis de Mayo

I just woke up
not feeling too hot
questioning my actions
from last night
questioning myself
for questioning them

it was so good to see
those familiar faces
new and old
connecting with the ones
I’m connected to
disconnecting a little
from the likes of you

someday soon
we’ll be like that
sitting on cushions
of old memories
speaking of new lives
not knowing
each other
anymore
reverting back to
roles we used to play

those who don’t allow
themselves to attach
to someone
seem to have
a lot of faces
to catch up with
is there no
one
that got away
is there no
one
that you burn
inside for

what do you
hold onto
to anchor yourself down

May 2006

Sunday Afternoon

there’s lots of beauty
in this world
my bad day
was interrupted
by it
many times over

the park
dogs running
and tripping
in the grass
looking up
at the clear blue sky
and seeing petals
floating all around
reading a book
on a blanket
with a good friend
by your side
loyalty incarnate

that I was
so taken aback
and touched
by the selfless
offer of a stranger
saddens me
where did I
get this
closed off way
of living
entombed in my house
and in my heart

writing has become
my lifeline
my way of
telling others
not to worry
or of calling
out for help
subtly and blindly
it’s my only outlet
I’ve allowed
to share my
weaknesses and
fears and sadness
in such a public way
and even then
I only share
certain parts
of poems
with others …

April 2006

Settling?

loving someone
is a beautiful thing

to want what’s best
for them
despite how much
it hurts you
is even more
luminous

how do you
honor yourself
when all
you want
is their time
their thoughts
their heart

it’s not real
it’s not what
you think
it should be
but you
can’t say no

I want you
to have everything
that you need
I want you to
get enough of
what you deserve
and I want you to
get some of
what you want
when it serves
you right

we are all
so much more worthy
than the lives we set up
and the paths we
follow

settling is so much easier
than going after the dream
you know what
I’m talking about
the one thing
that despite
it’s elusion
and your persistent
doubts
sticks in your mind
and floats through
your thoughts
each time
you meet
someone new

don’t ever

settle

for long

April 2006

Driver's Ed

at my desk
looking out the window
into the dreary mouth
of a wet and soggy storm
I wonder about the summer
I feel like I’m back in school
counting down days and
planning my yearbook odes

I think back to
the dry, endless
three months
that preceded
my first high school year
learning to drive
in a ford tempo
with a football coach
my guide
and my best friend
in the rearview mirror
not seeing that
she will become
one of the worst
operators of an automobile
I will ever know
and that I will spend
more than a few
harrowing moments
with her at the wheel
and my life in her hands
“what does that sign say??”
“is this a one-way?”

it’s funny that
my mortality
has only been
seriously tested
with her by my side
if that’s not angelic
I don’t know what is

~ June 1, 2006

Butterflies

it will be a
long and lonely
life without love
how many nights
can i pass
staring at the ceiling
whispering mantras
to the walls
who am i
trying to convince
of my worthiness
sitting unaccompanied
in this room

the wind was blowing today
i could feel its
power and purpose
as i sat stagnant
and bereft of
a prospect

it has been
so long
i fear that
it will never come

i have been
tempted and teased
it's been dangled
in front of me
fluttering bright
like a newly hatched
butterfly
but it is a hard time
chasing butterflies
when finally enclosing
them in your hand
you have to keep
checking to make
sure they're not crushed
while keeping them from
flying away

and nobody wants
to cage a
butterfly
it dulls their beauty
and mutes their colors
best to let them go
and try not to
miss them
too much

- May 2006

MS Walk

I walk because I want to honor my mother
I want to honor the fighter in her, not the loss of her
I want to honor her spirit in the face of a devastatingly subtle disease with
conspicuous consequences
I want to honor the stubborn resister who raised me with autonomy knowing
that she'd leave me prematurely

I walk because I can physically get up and move my limbs
Limbs that resemble hers in length and width and color
Limbs that can move like she hadn't been able to in years
Limbs that are not independent of my brain and nervous system

I walk because I was unable to accept this disease and its cloaking of her until she was fully ensconced in it
Until she couldn't lift a fork to her mouth
Until she couldn't gesture wildly while telling her favorite stories
Until she took her last breath with a frown on her face, worrying about me while
looking into her unknown

I walk because I can do something positive with the gifts she's given me
This gift of life and the living of it with hope and appreciation
This gift of strength to continue on with purpose and a smile regardless of
the sadness I sometimes float in
This gift of quiet knowledge that the events unfolded like they were supposed to
and that regret is for the feint of heart

I walk because I want to make her as proud as she always made me

I walk

~ March 2006