I don't know how ...

not for the first
time in life
i sit paralyzed
by fear

this fear is different
than the one i was
once
intimately connected to
though
it’s a slower
more subtle
fear
that comes and goes
like a season
or a cold

i can go for
days or weeks
without
remnants
of its presence
until it appears
dulling me
with the weight
of its power

it’s a fear
that is hard
to talk about
that tests
my ability to
share myself
with those
that i trust

instead
i stare
at this bright
white screen
willing the words
to make sense
to someone
to anyone
to me

i know what
it is that i want
i know that it
exists in ways
that are inconceivable
to others
and i know
that it has been
experienced
and written about
in ways i only dream of

i’m moved by the stories
and the emotions
they evoke
and am sad that
i have no firsthand
knowledge
i don’t know how

i don’t know how

i can only wonder
if i ever will …

November 2006