shape

i'm looking at
an example of American "beauty"
on the cover of a magazine

no hips, big chest
impossibly flowy, shiny hair
in essence
she is a long, skinny box with boobs

when did we decide
that this was femininity?
that this was beauty?

i want no part of it

i like myself too much

laundry

i can't write
i have all these thoughts
swirling around in my head
that keep circling
like laundry in the spin cycle
around
and
around
and
around
until they all
get stuck together
and become
one mass of cognition
i can't individualize them
any longer
can't voice them
and certainly cannot
dress them up with interesting words
if they stay in there any longer
they'll start to smell moldy
and ripe
like when you forget
to throw the load in the dryer
and you have to rewash it
i'm just wasting water
and words

well...

well
today is the day
the big day
the day to get through

it's sunny outside
and i can hear a lawnmower
it's not my lawnmower
because i don't have one
nor would i use it that often

it's nice to be
out of vancouver
for this day
too many memories
too many stop lights
going down mill plain
that would detain me
right at the spot
that i last saw her

she would have been 58
and i would have teased her
about coming upon 60
as she threw back
that i am almost 30
but she never saw me turn 25
so that conversation won't happen
among others

she didn't see me buy my house
or get promoted
twice
and she will miss
everything
big and small
as i will miss her
how do you celebrate the big things
when there is a hole in them all
that complete happiness
will always seep out of?

i haven't figured that out yet
and certainly won't today

8/27/07

sledgehammer

sometimes it hits you like that
a sledgehammer
but not poppy and upbeat
like that 80s song
it’s more deep and
conniving
you think you’ll turn the corner
unscathed
until it arches towards you
deep and fast

3 years

how did that happen

I’m forgetting the tone of her voice
and the way she would
tilt her head and purse her lips
when a camera aimed
it’s ugly head at her
she hated her picture taken

I miss her so much

why does August have to circle
back around
as sure as rain and taxes
when you learn that you can depend
on nothing and no one
why does August stay so loyal

I have to get through Monday
and then we’ll talk
ask me how I am in 4 days
because I might not make it

I have still never heard from her
in my dreams
she’s visited 3 of the most beloved
ladies in my life
yet I have not seen her
what does that mean
that I’m blind
or she’s gone
left without saying goodbye

she couldn’t talk to me that last day
but she knew I was there
kept gasping
until I calmed her
over and over again

I’m so glad I was there

but how do I get through Monday…

8/23/07

what it is

our pact was made
before I even knew
I had spoken

you snuck in
and took over something
and now I am wandering around
trying to figure out
where it is

what it is

I wonder what you’re thinking
and where you even came from
how was it so natural
like a tear drop
falling languidly down
the petal of a lily
or the feel of your hand
running slowly
up and down my back


a week ago
I didn’t know you existed
and now
your existence in another
part of the state
is teasing me

you’re driving
even further away from me
and all I have is the phone
by my side
to connect to you

what is it

I wonder

what is happening
and how do I stop
from barricading myself in
so I don’t feel the onslaught

font

i’m typing with one hand
while eating an apple
i could be zen about it
and say that it forces me
to slow down and focus more
on what i’m feeling
and how i want that
to translate to words …

but right now
i’m just feeling annoyed
that it took me three minutes
to type this

the apple isn’t that good

now i’m changing the font
times new roman is so industrial
reminds me of furiously
typing papers in our
college office/broom closet


aah, Verdana
much better
this is a happy, crisp font
conducive to clearly construed
words that are hard to find
in my incomprehensible
state of mind

it’s 8:57 on a Friday night
and i’m watching a beautiful sunset
burn the sky of a distant coast


really i’m just staring at my
notebook wallpaper
but i have a good imagination

the apple slices are almost gone

8/10/07

rationalize

am I justifying
my newest venture?

maybe I am

it’s not so easy
for some of us
and I don’t know why

but don’t tell me
I have my head
in the clouds
for I am more
firmly rooted
than you can imagine
by this immobile sense
that there is more than this

right at the beginning
I will know it

no need to culture the seed
or wait for a bloom

I am the soil

what is placed inside me
will either
live
or
die

it’s the most
black and white
thing about
all this

Bad Day

I’m at the park
on my lunch break
after being told
I’m in deep shit at work
excuse my French
as they say
I’m just a bit pissed
but trying to shake it off

trusting people
is an interesting concept
it can bite back at you
quickly and sharply

but wait …

I’m trying to be positive now
bad day, you are not
going to steal the beauty
of this venue from me
or the amusement I get
from using words like venue

dave is singing everlong right now
the live version
I feel like throwing
my bra at the stereo
it sounds so authentic
but I refrain
that would be dumb

this thought makes me smile though
and now I feel a little better

growing pains

how old is too old
to cry
when you see your dad?

when do you
have to stop being
jealous
and just grow up?

when is it
no longer acceptable
to be a brat?

what do you mean
your life no longer
revolves around me?
I didn’t get that memo

I do want
you to be happy
I just wish that happiness
didn’t trudge so clumsily
upon the fragile
groundwork we laid over
my college education
late night painting sessions
and road trips to Spokane

I wish that your happiness
didn’t have to come
at the expense of mine

I wish that your socialization
didn’t come when
you’re ignoring me most

We all get busy
and have lives
I’m okay that you
have a ready-made family
all moved in
but I’ve been here
for years
I’ve put in my time
I've grown smart
and empathetic
and responsible
in spite of your worst efforts
and I need some
god-damned recognition

july 2007

aftermath

you gotta let it roll
off your back like water
off your tongue like a love song
off your toes like a ballerina

hatred has no place
in this house
small minds
make even smaller mirrors
and my reflection
cannot be marred by your
animosity

you have insulted me
for the last time
one more jab
into scar tissue
and you can see
that there is no more blood

i wanted to wish you well
and leave it at that
a sweet sendoff
a little reverence from the ashes
of a disaster
now it’s just rubble to sort through
and who has the energy for that?

moments

it’s strange to exist in a moment
that you know will change
the course of your life
irrevocably and without
guidance of your own

usually these moments
blindside you so swiftly
you don’t see them coming
nor do you feel the effects
until days later
like a dull ache in your back
in your heart
in your head

sometimes you don’t know
the moment was even significant
until you feel the loss of it
months down the road

you mourn for a time
you didn’t know you were
ever going to miss

these are the times that shape us
but the growing pains
are quick and sharp

growing

the sound of a sleeping cat
almost lulls me to slumber
but not quite
i sit
tired and weary
happy and hopeful
plans have been laid
things have been let go of
like stings of a kite
in the wind
bright diamond
blowing away
until nothing is left
but a memory

there’s too much proof
in this world now
of things in the past
digital photos
stored in encrypted archives
written word
imprisoned forever
in impersonal domains
how do you let life
flow on naturally
with these unnatural
reminders of what should
be carried downstream
while you hold onto
a branch
not yet ready
to be swept away

water erodes everything
in its path
but we have built shelters
impervious to the persistent
pelting of the rain
water cannot eat away at
things it cannot enter
and now
inside
it’s jagged and dry
there are no smooth edges
yet everything is green
everything is growing

urban

the city is sadness
and I find myself drawn to it
listening to my
melancholy music
as I wonder who is here

I spent a week in paradise
that lifted my spirits
than sank just as quickly
as the descending plane
that brought me back

why do I mourn
something I never had
why do I get upset
when I know what will happen
why do I care for a friend
that doesn’t even care to say goodbye
to me

I don’t have any of
these answers
and ask them only
to the thin air
I am sitting in
I ask the sunshine
I seem to have brought
back with me
I ask that dog
walking by
that just looks
at the food in my hand

so goodbye to you
I hope you are well
I hate that I’m saying this to a laptop
but it’s the only choice you gave me

on the balcony at dusk

the water is
blue and clear
like those jelly sandals
we used to wear
as kids

the palm trees sway
thin and tall
in the breeze
as if on a perpetual
coffee break

there are sounds of running water,
people talking,
tropical birds calling,
and Aruba’s version of
old American rock

the bushes are red, pink, and yellow
and are pruned within
an inch of their lives
this is paradise
so there must be landscaping

there is a couple walking by
in matching purple shirts
but at a break in the path
he goes right
as she stays left
makes you wonder
what that is indicative of
do they break at every intersection ...

Writing in Bagdad

I look at the calendar
big gaping holes of time
opening up to suck me in.
A whole year to get through
and all I want to do
is order tater tots
and tell that table of girls
to stop laughing
so fucking loudly.

It’s already February
but this year seems to be
droning on forever.
How is it then
that you turn around
on the eve
of your 28th birthday
and wonder where
all the days went?

The passage of time
torments so slowly
you could almost
stop to ask it why
it chose you its
unwilling victim.

They say time marches on
but to whose beat
I wonder?
Who got to choose
the tempo
and why am I
always running
to catch up?

simple

the last time i saw them all
was at the apartment on belmont
sipping merlot while making fun
of a drunk, mingling girl
for saying cab sav
with a hard a
if you’re going to be a snob
about it
you need to soften the a up a bit
and put the cigarette in filter-first

you with your mismatched socks
and shiny shoes
only you could pull off
with a wry smile
and your signature snicker

and you
with your bright eyes
intelligence simmering underneath
you sit
more comfortable with yourself
each time i see you

you were there too
in person
with your deep voice
and the pizza it took you
twenty minutes to eat
your funny voices
and joke cracking
an easy addition to the mix

and finally
you
walked in with a look of
unpleasant surprise on your face
i will remember that look
the last i’ll probably see before you leave
i can’t tell if it’s fitting or not
it can never be simple

i didn’t go to nw with you guys
didn’t want to be so unwanted
didn’t have the energy for it

each time i see summer creeping up
with its balmy, windy pretense
i feel the beginning of something
and the end of another
in that order
there’s always overlapping
it can never be simple

soon we will fly east
but each for very different reasons
home, vacation and adventure
it would be nice to be able
to package those up in the same box
but it can never be simple

someone asked me what i thought of dying ...

so I told them that dying
is reflected in how we live

I think we’re here to love

we enter the world
with a love so strong
it cannot be understood
until you stand on the other side of it

and we leave
with memories
of love so strong
the years lie flat to clear the view

we walk amongst
second-chances and forgiveness
pass by heartbreak
and family feuds
we see bad choices
made on the train home from school
and the foundation of a marriage
built on 5-hour drives to the country

what does any one person have
but those that love them?

prestige
money
fame
questions...

do these things hold your hand
and whisper in your ear
when death is siphoning away your last breath?

I drove by the hospice house today
and remembered
life and death coexist there
in a weird continuum

I insist that life is about love
about building love
because I’ve see someone die
without it

Feb 2007

205

this is the bridge
of my reckoning

driving at this predawn hour
questions swirl
in my mind
taunting and unrelenting

what am i doing to myself

again

i know it will end badly
i can prophesize it
with astounding accuracy

but

still i find myself
on this bridge
after another
bad decision

february 2006

Cinco mas ...

… let’s just drop the pretense and call this what it is. a continuation of reasons why I am amazed that I have any friends at all.

11) Instead of being morally opposed to the violence heralded by it, (which I am for the most part - it‘s one of my existential crises) I like watching football sometimes and pretend to know only enough about it to be able to talk shit and yell at the players from the 300 level seats at Qwest (where they can’t hear me) or from the couch (where they really can’t hear me).

12) I am a (really) big fan of the parenthesis, run-on sentences, and using “…” to emphasize what I’m saying … and have also been known to use so many smiley faces, you’d think I was constantly taking hits of nitro.

13) I get so stressed, cracked out, and low on sleep that I laugh really hard at dumb jokes and at my own, at the time, brilliant humor. (Unless Raych is telling the dumb joke, and then I always crack up. But that’s an entirely different blog topic, best to be covered at length another time.) For example, my new favorite Knock-Knock Joke had me putting my head down at my desk today from guffawing so hard (at work, of course).

14) I use entirely too many commas when writing. My motto is: when in doubt, throw in a comma!

15) I find that although I can play it cool in most situations and social interactions, my face betrays me every time. I cannot hide a damn thing when it comes to my feelings showing in my facial expressions. My defense mechanism for this is my “neutral, thoughtful” face that comes off looking confused and, at times, slightly constipated.

Triangles

i read recently
that friendships don’t work in a trio
i find this to be untrue

i have a few groups of great friends
that go naturally into this triangle
of solidarity and alliance
each of us bringing different angles
into the mix that enhance the whole
and illuminate our individual greatness

we push one another until
the proportions are evened out
and the lines drawn straighter
the corners, sharp at times, are inseparable
and the middle a basin of our
laughter, tears, and commonalities
with enough room to support
growth and shifting lives

i live in and among
these triangles
trying to fit
and trying not to get lost
in the geometry of it all
but can’t imagine a better place to disappear