well...

well
today is the day
the big day
the day to get through

it's sunny outside
and i can hear a lawnmower
it's not my lawnmower
because i don't have one
nor would i use it that often

it's nice to be
out of vancouver
for this day
too many memories
too many stop lights
going down mill plain
that would detain me
right at the spot
that i last saw her

she would have been 58
and i would have teased her
about coming upon 60
as she threw back
that i am almost 30
but she never saw me turn 25
so that conversation won't happen
among others

she didn't see me buy my house
or get promoted
twice
and she will miss
everything
big and small
as i will miss her
how do you celebrate the big things
when there is a hole in them all
that complete happiness
will always seep out of?

i haven't figured that out yet
and certainly won't today

8/27/07

sledgehammer

sometimes it hits you like that
a sledgehammer
but not poppy and upbeat
like that 80s song
it’s more deep and
conniving
you think you’ll turn the corner
unscathed
until it arches towards you
deep and fast

3 years

how did that happen

I’m forgetting the tone of her voice
and the way she would
tilt her head and purse her lips
when a camera aimed
it’s ugly head at her
she hated her picture taken

I miss her so much

why does August have to circle
back around
as sure as rain and taxes
when you learn that you can depend
on nothing and no one
why does August stay so loyal

I have to get through Monday
and then we’ll talk
ask me how I am in 4 days
because I might not make it

I have still never heard from her
in my dreams
she’s visited 3 of the most beloved
ladies in my life
yet I have not seen her
what does that mean
that I’m blind
or she’s gone
left without saying goodbye

she couldn’t talk to me that last day
but she knew I was there
kept gasping
until I calmed her
over and over again

I’m so glad I was there

but how do I get through Monday…

8/23/07

what it is

our pact was made
before I even knew
I had spoken

you snuck in
and took over something
and now I am wandering around
trying to figure out
where it is

what it is

I wonder what you’re thinking
and where you even came from
how was it so natural
like a tear drop
falling languidly down
the petal of a lily
or the feel of your hand
running slowly
up and down my back


a week ago
I didn’t know you existed
and now
your existence in another
part of the state
is teasing me

you’re driving
even further away from me
and all I have is the phone
by my side
to connect to you

what is it

I wonder

what is happening
and how do I stop
from barricading myself in
so I don’t feel the onslaught

font

i’m typing with one hand
while eating an apple
i could be zen about it
and say that it forces me
to slow down and focus more
on what i’m feeling
and how i want that
to translate to words …

but right now
i’m just feeling annoyed
that it took me three minutes
to type this

the apple isn’t that good

now i’m changing the font
times new roman is so industrial
reminds me of furiously
typing papers in our
college office/broom closet


aah, Verdana
much better
this is a happy, crisp font
conducive to clearly construed
words that are hard to find
in my incomprehensible
state of mind

it’s 8:57 on a Friday night
and i’m watching a beautiful sunset
burn the sky of a distant coast


really i’m just staring at my
notebook wallpaper
but i have a good imagination

the apple slices are almost gone

8/10/07

rationalize

am I justifying
my newest venture?

maybe I am

it’s not so easy
for some of us
and I don’t know why

but don’t tell me
I have my head
in the clouds
for I am more
firmly rooted
than you can imagine
by this immobile sense
that there is more than this

right at the beginning
I will know it

no need to culture the seed
or wait for a bloom

I am the soil

what is placed inside me
will either
live
or
die

it’s the most
black and white
thing about
all this

Bad Day

I’m at the park
on my lunch break
after being told
I’m in deep shit at work
excuse my French
as they say
I’m just a bit pissed
but trying to shake it off

trusting people
is an interesting concept
it can bite back at you
quickly and sharply

but wait …

I’m trying to be positive now
bad day, you are not
going to steal the beauty
of this venue from me
or the amusement I get
from using words like venue

dave is singing everlong right now
the live version
I feel like throwing
my bra at the stereo
it sounds so authentic
but I refrain
that would be dumb

this thought makes me smile though
and now I feel a little better

growing pains

how old is too old
to cry
when you see your dad?

when do you
have to stop being
jealous
and just grow up?

when is it
no longer acceptable
to be a brat?

what do you mean
your life no longer
revolves around me?
I didn’t get that memo

I do want
you to be happy
I just wish that happiness
didn’t trudge so clumsily
upon the fragile
groundwork we laid over
my college education
late night painting sessions
and road trips to Spokane

I wish that your happiness
didn’t have to come
at the expense of mine

I wish that your socialization
didn’t come when
you’re ignoring me most

We all get busy
and have lives
I’m okay that you
have a ready-made family
all moved in
but I’ve been here
for years
I’ve put in my time
I've grown smart
and empathetic
and responsible
in spite of your worst efforts
and I need some
god-damned recognition

july 2007