Pieces of My Mind

2008-10-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

i am a stepping stone
to greatness
you can tread upon me
on your way
to healing

i am a bridge to
self-knowledge
my river of truth
is forded with
the selfishness of
bears at feeding time
how easy it is to stand
in the right spot
and let the fish
come to you

no effort

no thought of the
death that feeds your soul

but what of the river
rinsed with the blood?

what of the bridge
cracking and breaking
with every footstep?

Another 5 ...

2008-05-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why, was I born to be such a dork?

16) As I was reading a book at a coffee shop, by myself, it made me laugh so hard that I was practically wheezing. Making me even more attractive, one of my eyes almost shut while the other only squinted slightly. It's like my inner pirate comes out when I laugh. "Aargh, where's me eye patch, that was funny." And I think I scared the other coffee shop patrons. Is it bad when people scoot their chairs as far away from you as possible in public?

17) I read the encyclopedia as a child… for fun. I enjoyed it. I still read text books to learn, do crosswords to keep my brain active, and get super competitive at boggle to the point of yelling that my competitor's words are made-up and spelled wrong (when it's usually me that spells them wrong).

18) I slipped while walking to my car recently. I made a high-pitched whoooooo sound as my left leg skidded ahead out of control, my right arm flung itself up and threw my coffee in the air, and my left arm threw my keys. (Why I threw my keys, I have no idea.) Fortunately my car caught me before I went down, but did not spare me from the caffeine shower.

19) I dance in my living room and bedroom, on the hardwood floors, in my socks. No matter how many times I slip and fall and almost do the splits, which hurts really bad because I cannot, and have never been able to, do the splits, I still continue to shake what my momma gave me unabashedly and with full energy and exuberance. If I ever actually get caught doing this I will probably pass out from embarrassment, making the aforementioned whoooooo sound as I do so.

20) My bangs cowlick and stick up like little Macaulay Culkin in 'Home Alone.' This great look is enhanced by the fact that I obsessively pull them down with my fingers, separating them and making them increasingly statickey, which then makes them stick up even more. The fact that I write about my bangs and ongoing battle with them, in turn makes me an even bigger dork.

hhmmm...

2008-04-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

blank paper
piles up around me
like discarded snowflakes
that refuse to melt

they will bury me
in their unique fury

notes of a
long forgotten song
play tunelessly in my head
taunting me with their
disassociate congruence

time walks by
acts like it has gum
on it’s shoe
to avoid eye contact
“keep stepping because
even this gum won’t stop me”
it thinks

a girl sits across from me
at a restaurant
her shirt spouting more
propaganda and rhetoric
than bush on his mightiest Iraqi steed

don’t stand behind him

he might kick

these are some of my thoughts
tonight
i hope to have more
later

shape

2007-12-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

i'm looking at
an example of American "beauty"
on the cover of a magazine

no hips, big chest
impossibly flowy, shiny hair
in essence
she is a long, skinny box with boobs

when did we decide
that this was femininity?
that this was beauty?

i want no part of it

i like myself too much

laundry

2007-12-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

i can't write
i have all these thoughts
swirling around in my head
that keep circling
like laundry in the spin cycle
around
and
around
and
around
until they all
get stuck together
and become
one mass of cognition
i can't individualize them
any longer
can't voice them
and certainly cannot
dress them up with interesting words
if they stay in there any longer
they'll start to smell moldy
and ripe
like when you forget
to throw the load in the dryer
and you have to rewash it
i'm just wasting water
and words

well...

2007-08-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

well
today is the day
the big day
the day to get through

it's sunny outside
and i can hear a lawnmower
it's not my lawnmower
because i don't have one
nor would i use it that often

it's nice to be
out of vancouver
for this day
too many memories
too many stop lights
going down mill plain
that would detain me
right at the spot
that i last saw her

she would have been 58
and i would have teased her
about coming upon 60
as she threw back
that i am almost 30
but she never saw me turn 25
so that conversation won't happen
among others

she didn't see me buy my house
or get promoted
twice
and she will miss
everything
big and small
as i will miss her
how do you celebrate the big things
when there is a hole in them all
that complete happiness
will always seep out of?

i haven't figured that out yet
and certainly won't today

8/27/07

sledgehammer

2007-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes it hits you like that
a sledgehammer
but not poppy and upbeat
like that 80s song
it’s more deep and
conniving
you think you’ll turn the corner
unscathed
until it arches towards you
deep and fast

3 years

how did that happen

I’m forgetting the tone of her voice
and the way she would
tilt her head and purse her lips
when a camera aimed
it’s ugly head at her
she hated her picture taken

I miss her so much

why does August have to circle
back around
as sure as rain and taxes
when you learn that you can depend
on nothing and no one
why does August stay so loyal

I have to get through Monday
and then we’ll talk
ask me how I am in 4 days
because I might not make it

I have still never heard from her
in my dreams
she’s visited 3 of the most beloved
ladies in my life
yet I have not seen her
what does that mean
that I’m blind
or she’s gone
left without saying goodbye

she couldn’t talk to me that last day
but she knew I was there
kept gasping
until I calmed her
over and over again

I’m so glad I was there

but how do I get through Monday…

8/23/07

what it is

2007-08-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

our pact was made
before I even knew
I had spoken

you snuck in
and took over something
and now I am wandering around
trying to figure out
where it is

what it is

I wonder what you’re thinking
and where you even came from
how was it so natural
like a tear drop
falling languidly down
the petal of a lily
or the feel of your hand
running slowly
up and down my back

a week ago
I didn’t know you existed
and now
your existence in another
part of the state
is teasing me

you’re driving
even further away from me
and all I have is the phone
by my side
to connect to you

what is it

I wonder

what is happening
and how do I stop
from barricading myself in
so I don’t feel the onslaught

font

2007-08-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

i’m typing with one hand
while eating an apple
i could be zen about it
and say that it forces me
to slow down and focus more
on what i’m feeling
and how i want that
to translate to words …

but right now
i’m just feeling annoyed
that it took me three minutes
to type this

the apple isn’t that good

now i’m changing the font
times new roman is so industrial
reminds me of furiously
typing papers in our
college office/broom closet

aah, Verdana
much better
this is a happy, crisp font
conducive to clearly construed
words that are hard to find
in my incomprehensible
state of mind

it’s 8:57 on a Friday night
and i’m watching a beautiful sunset
burn the sky of a distant coast

really i’m just staring at my
notebook wallpaper
but i have a good imagination

the apple slices are almost gone

8/10/07

rationalize

2007-08-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

am I justifying
my newest venture?

maybe I am

it’s not so easy
for some of us
and I don’t know why

but don’t tell me
I have my head
in the clouds
for I am more
firmly rooted
than you can imagine
by this immobile sense
that there is more than this

right at the beginning
I will know it

no need to culture the seed
or wait for a bloom

I am the soil

what is placed inside me
will either
live
or
die

it’s the most
black and white
thing about
all this

Bad Day

2007-08-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I’m at the park
on my lunch break
after being told
I’m in deep shit at work
excuse my French
as they say
I’m just a bit pissed
but trying to shake it off

trusting people
is an interesting concept
it can bite back at you
quickly and sharply

but wait …

I’m trying to be positive now
bad day, you are not
going to steal the beauty
of this venue from me
or the amusement I get
from using words like venue

dave is singing everlong right now
the live version
I feel like throwing
my bra at the stereo
it sounds so authentic
but I refrain
that would be dumb

this thought makes me smile though
and now I feel a little better

growing pains

2007-08-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

how old is too old
to cry
when you see your dad?

when do you
have to stop being
jealous
and just grow up?

when is it
no longer acceptable
to be a brat?

what do you mean
your life no longer
revolves around me?
I didn’t get that memo

I do want
you to be happy
I just wish that happiness
didn’t trudge so clumsily
upon the fragile
groundwork we laid over
my college education
late night painting sessions
and road trips to Spokane

I wish that your happiness
didn’t have to come
at the expense of mine

I wish that your socialization
didn’t come when
you’re ignoring me most

We all get busy
and have lives
I’m okay that you
have a ready-made family
all moved in
but I’ve been here
for years
I’ve put in my time
I've grown smart
and empathetic
and responsible
in spite of your worst efforts
and I need some
god-damned recognition

july 2007

aftermath

2007-06-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

you gotta let it roll
off your back like water
off your tongue like a love song
off your toes like a ballerina

hatred has no place
in this house
small minds
make even smaller mirrors
and my reflection
cannot be marred by your
animosity

you have insulted me
for the last time
one more jab
into scar tissue
and you can see
that there is no more blood

i wanted to wish you well
and leave it at that
a sweet sendoff
a little reverence from the ashes
of a disaster
now it’s just rubble to sort through
and who has the energy for that?

moments

2007-04-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

it’s strange to exist in a moment
that you know will change
the course of your life
irrevocably and without
guidance of your own

usually these moments
blindside you so swiftly
you don’t see them coming
nor do you feel the effects
until days later
like a dull ache in your back
in your heart
in your head

sometimes you don’t know
the moment was even significant
until you feel the loss of it
months down the road

you mourn for a time
you didn’t know you were
ever going to miss

these are the times that shape us
but the growing pains
are quick and sharp

growing

2007-04-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

the sound of a sleeping cat
almost lulls me to slumber
but not quite
i sit
tired and weary
happy and hopeful
plans have been laid
things have been let go of
like stings of a kite
in the wind
bright diamond
blowing away
until nothing is left
but a memory

there’s too much proof
in this world now
of things in the past
digital photos
stored in encrypted archives
written word
imprisoned forever
in impersonal domains
how do you let life
flow on naturally
with these unnatural
reminders of what should
be carried downstream
while you hold onto
a branch
not yet ready
to be swept away

water erodes everything
in its path
but we have built shelters
impervious to the persistent
pelting of the rain
water cannot eat away at
things it cannot enter
and now
inside
it’s jagged and dry
there are no smooth edges
yet everything is green
everything is growing

urban

2007-03-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

the city is sadness
and I find myself drawn to it
listening to my
melancholy music
as I wonder who is here

I spent a week in paradise
that lifted my spirits
than sank just as quickly
as the descending plane
that brought me back

why do I mourn
something I never had
why do I get upset
when I know what will happen
why do I care for a friend
that doesn’t even care to say goodbye
to me

I don’t have any of
these answers
and ask them only
to the thin air
I am sitting in
I ask the sunshine
I seem to have brought
back with me
I ask that dog
walking by
that just looks
at the food in my hand

so goodbye to you
I hope you are well
I hate that I’m saying this to a laptop
but it’s the only choice you gave me

on the balcony at dusk

2007-03-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

the water is
blue and clear
like those jelly sandals
we used to wear
as kids

the palm trees sway
thin and tall
in the breeze
as if on a perpetual
coffee break

there are sounds of running water,
people talking,
tropical birds calling,
and Aruba’s version of
old American rock

the bushes are red, pink, and yellow
and are pruned within
an inch of their lives
this is paradise
so there must be landscaping

there is a couple walking by
in matching purple shirts
but at a break in the path
he goes right
as she stays left
makes you wonder
what that is indicative of
do they break at every intersection ...

Writing in Bagdad

2007-03-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

I look at the calendar
big gaping holes of time
opening up to suck me in.
A whole year to get through
and all I want to do
is order tater tots
and tell that table of girls
to stop laughing
so fucking loudly.

It’s already February
but this year seems to be
droning on forever.
How is it then
that you turn around
on the eve
of your 28th birthday
and wonder where
all the days went?

The passage of time
torments so slowly
you could almost
stop to ask it why
it chose you its
unwilling victim.

They say time marches on
but to whose beat
I wonder?
Who got to choose
the tempo
and why am I
always running
to catch up?

simple

2007-03-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

the last time i saw them all
was at the apartment on belmont
sipping merlot while making fun
of a drunk, mingling girl
for saying cab sav
with a hard a
if you’re going to be a snob
about it
you need to soften the a up a bit
and put the cigarette in filter-first

you with your mismatched socks
and shiny shoes
only you could pull off
with a wry smile
and your signature snicker

and you
with your bright eyes
intelligence simmering underneath
you sit
more comfortable with yourself
each time i see you

you were there too
in person
with your deep voice
and the pizza it took you
twenty minutes to eat
your funny voices
and joke cracking
an easy addition to the mix

and finally
you
walked in with a look of
unpleasant surprise on your face
i will remember that look
the last i’ll probably see before you leave
i can’t tell if it’s fitting or not
it can never be simple

i didn’t go to nw with you guys
didn’t want to be so unwanted
didn’t have the energy for it

each time i see summer creeping up
with its balmy, windy pretense
i feel the beginning of something
and the end of another
in that order
there’s always overlapping
it can never be simple

soon we will fly east
but each for very different reasons
home, vacation and adventure
it would be nice to be able
to package those up in the same box
but it can never be simple

someone asked me what i thought of dying ...

2007-02-15T18:57:00.000-08:00

so I told them that dying
is reflected in how we live

I think we’re here to love

we enter the world
with a love so strong
it cannot be understood
until you stand on the other side of it

and we leave
with memories
of love so strong
the years lie flat to clear the view

we walk amongst
second-chances and forgiveness
pass by heartbreak
and family feuds
we see bad choices
made on the train home from school
and the foundation of a marriage
built on 5-hour drives to the country

what does any one person have
but those that love them?

prestige
money
fame
questions...

do these things hold your hand
and whisper in your ear
when death is siphoning away your last breath?

I drove by the hospice house today
and remembered
life and death coexist there
in a weird continuum

I insist that life is about love
about building love
because I’ve see someone die
without it

Feb 2007

205

2007-01-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

this is the bridge
of my reckoning

driving at this predawn hour
questions swirl
in my mind
taunting and unrelenting

what am i doing to myself

again

i know it will end badly
i can prophesize it
with astounding accuracy

but

still i find myself
on this bridge
after another
bad decision

february 2006

Cinco mas ...

2007-01-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

… let’s just drop the pretense and call this what it is. a continuation of reasons why I am amazed that I have any friends at all.

11) Instead of being morally opposed to the violence heralded by it, (which I am for the most part - it‘s one of my existential crises) I like watching football sometimes and pretend to know only enough about it to be able to talk shit and yell at the players from the 300 level seats at Qwest (where they can’t hear me) or from the couch (where they really can’t hear me).

12) I am a (really) big fan of the parenthesis, run-on sentences, and using “…” to emphasize what I’m saying … and have also been known to use so many smiley faces, you’d think I was constantly taking hits of nitro.

13) I get so stressed, cracked out, and low on sleep that I laugh really hard at dumb jokes and at my own, at the time, brilliant humor. (Unless Raych is telling the dumb joke, and then I always crack up. But that’s an entirely different blog topic, best to be covered at length another time.) For example, my new favorite Knock-Knock Joke had me putting my head down at my desk today from guffawing so hard (at work, of course).

14) I use entirely too many commas when writing. My motto is: when in doubt, throw in a comma!

15) I find that although I can play it cool in most situations and social interactions, my face betrays me every time. I cannot hide a damn thing when it comes to my feelings showing in my facial expressions. My defense mechanism for this is my “neutral, thoughtful” face that comes off looking confused and, at times, slightly constipated.

Triangles

2007-01-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

i read recently
that friendships don’t work in a trio
i find this to be untrue

i have a few groups of great friends
that go naturally into this triangle
of solidarity and alliance
each of us bringing different angles
into the mix that enhance the whole
and illuminate our individual greatness

we push one another until
the proportions are evened out
and the lines drawn straighter
the corners, sharp at times, are inseparable
and the middle a basin of our
laughter, tears, and commonalities
with enough room to support
growth and shifting lives

i live in and among
these triangles
trying to fit
and trying not to get lost
in the geometry of it all
but can’t imagine a better place to disappear

Crush

2006-12-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

I can’t sleep at night
I’m exhausted by
my imagination
covers are rumpled
from tossing and turning
remembering him

I analyze eye gazes and
go over phrases said in the dark
decipher sign language and body movements
as if they are some clue
to his true meaning

I can’t sleep at night
because of frustration
I had my chance
so long ago
but took the other path
instead
the path that led me
to tears and tantrums
to mini heartbreaks
and self-doubt
I chose someone else
over him
and that someone else
chose another
over me

where poets see justice
I only see pain
and all I want to do is sleep

December 2006

Heartbreak

2006-12-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

you never know
when it will hit you
at a movie
walking your dog
in the middle of a sentence
heartbreak is quick

innocently looking
through pictures
you see him there
daring to smile
as tears sneak up on you
heartbreak is sharp

joking through the pain
and embarrassment
wondering why it couldn’t be you
asking what you lack
or what imperfection you possess
heartbreak is baffling

wandering through life
craving human contact
blinded by sadness
missing opportunities
passing through possibilities
heartbreak is misguiding

searching for words
bleeding from fingertips
trying to stop the pain
with the right phrase
missing the point
of the whole thing
heartbreak is poisonous

you will never know all that I am
will never kiss my eyelids
or feel my breath on your neck
I will not share a secret smile with you
or curl up next to you in bed
heartbreak taught me that

January 2006

I don't know how ...

2006-11-26T00:16:00.000-08:00

not for the first
time in life
i sit paralyzed
by fear

this fear is different
than the one i was
once
intimately connected to
though
it’s a slower
more subtle
fear
that comes and goes
like a season
or a cold

i can go for
days or weeks
without
remnants
of its presence
until it appears
dulling me
with the weight
of its power

it’s a fear
that is hard
to talk about
that tests
my ability to
share myself
with those
that i trust

instead
i stare
at this bright
white screen
willing the words
to make sense
to someone
to anyone
to me

i know what
it is that i want
i know that it
exists in ways
that are inconceivable
to others
and i know
that it has been
experienced
and written about
in ways i only dream of

i’m moved by the stories
and the emotions
they evoke
and am sad that
i have no firsthand
knowledge
i don’t know how

i don’t know how

i can only wonder
if i ever will …

November 2006

ennui

2006-10-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

this numbness
is starting to wear me out
i haven’t felt a raw emotion
in some time
and am starting to
forget what to call
the majority of them
let alone experience
the havoc they reap

there are so many
with subtle differences
and flowery names
but ambivalence
ennui
apathy
are all i seem to feel

i like that word
ennui
it’s a snobby,
pretensions word
for boredom
and very exciting way
to name something that
is decidedly not

September 2006

Falling Leaves

2006-10-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

All these words
all these letters
all this time gone by

the leaves are changing
and there you sit
sameness surrounding you
like a thick smoke

you are an evergreen
never changing
not really growing
stagnant
you have an archaic
sense of self-understanding
and a blinding bias
for your own analysis

there is so much you don’t know

where lessons are learned
you walk by
looking at your reflection
in the window
showing a you
that is shinier and more open
than the actual image it
represents

but
we are all like this
reflections of our true selves
representations of
our best foot
forward
hiding
mismatched socks
and holey toes
curled up inside

September 2006

2 Years

2006-08-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

sitting on the sidelines
of beautiful water
and melodic words
surrounded by strangers
next to love

cannot believe
it has been this long
cannot believe
time will continue to pass
in a holding pattern
i cannot let go of

tried to get away from
my life
for a day or two
ran into my past
distorted
into a hazy future

floating on this
slow barge of apathy
wondering when
the next stop is
and in what state
of unrest it will be

wanting all these things
i used to have
but needing them
in a different way

life is a continual spiral
the ends are beginnings
and the middles contain lessons
only seen on the fray

need to learn how to learn
and find my path
because all we have
is a walk
without absolute destination

need to hold the hand
of the one next to me
and step forward

August 29, 2006

5 Reasons

2006-07-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

5 reasons I might just become the scary, insane lady on the block that lives alone and scares small children. Oh suburban living...

1) I just went outside in my undies and a tank top (its very hot and humid!) to yell "scram" at the neighborhood cats that like to make a habit of standing 2.5 inches away from one another in my front yard to have a meowing match while raising their hackles. Who the hell says "scram" anymore anyway except your poor, crazy, old Aunt Gertrude and the weird guy on the corner that sings into the handle of a used plunger to get passing cars to donate to his beer cause?

2) I have 3 cats and live alone ... and talk to them at times ... and talk to myself ... and have 3 cats and live alone.

3) When I think of something funny, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, I will laugh out loud (usually tilting my head back in full lisa d style). Picture me sitting at my desk in the branch of a credit union in my smartest banker outfit. I'm seemingly typing and working diligently one moment and the next moment I'm laughing, lets face it cackling really, at nothing but the raucous images in my head.

4) When I find that I have accidentally walked through a discarded spider web and have a 6% chance of having a spider in my near vicinity I will do the full-on, freak out bug dance complete with spazzy, flailing body movements and high-pitched eeks of fear. (This usually happens right outside my door as I'm leaving for work almost everyday, and I still don't seem to catch on after all my repeat performances.)

5) While trying to start my lawn mower and tame my raging patch of land, I had one of my first temper tantrums since NKOTB broke up. This happened on a Sunday (holy resting day batman) in the afternoon while my neighbors were out. I kicked, I screamed, I pouted, and finally gave in. Damn red metal bastard!

To be continued ...

This is how I roll

2006-07-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dina, Kayla and I rode our bikes on Padden last night. It's a concrete path with some pretty vegetation on the side of a busy road - a glorified sidewalk really - but nice for bike riding and walking, if not a bit loud. So we ride about 4 miles, turn around at this intersection, and then ride back.

Kayla rides like she's drug smuggling and has the fuzz quick on her tail. You can try to keep up with her at first, but all of the sudden you look up and she's but a speck in the distance. I come trailing next, slow but steady like a normal - if not totally out of shape - bike rider. Then comes Dina la-la-la'ing her way along, smiling at the blueberries, and squirrel-watching like the zen bike rider that she is.

Needless to say, Kayla reaches each intersection first, then I come huffing along, and then Dina arrives all cheerful and we continue on. At the last intersection before the big turn-around-and-come-back, Kayla is waiting patiently (and a bit fervently if you ask me) as I roll up and try to do this almost-rear-end-her turn and stop maneuver. My foot gets caught (that's the official story, but really I think my leg was just too tired to move from the petal) and doesn't hit the pavement in time and I fall over on my side with my bike landing on top of me in a glorious thud. Not only is this hilarious to Kayla and I, but I also have an audience of about 8 or 10 cars that think my klutziness is entertaining and they proceed to point and laugh as well.

All in all, this was a valuable lesson. You're never to old to fall over and be laughed at, and it doesn't hurt at all. This allowed me the freedom to take my bike off some sweet jumps in Dina's neighborhood and not be afraid of biffing it .... again!

Shoulding

2006-07-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

i should be
cleaning my house
because hairballs
are floating by my feet
like tumbleweeds
on a deserted
hardwood highway

i should be
mowing my lawn
because it gives
the word overgrown
an entirely new
dimension and meaning
and i think there’s
an APB out
for a neighborhood cat
lost in the
rickety jungle
that is my backyard

i should be
more fashion forward
and thrift store savvy
as i cringe at the
tedious selections
meekly hanging
in my closet
and draped over
most of the surfaces
of my bedroom

i should be
erudite and
more informed of
political topics
as i have such a
love for words and thoughts
and have strong opinions
on most things debatable

i should be
more adept in the kitchen
remembering the
frozen burrito
i had for breakfast
and my gourmet dinner
of cornnuts last night

i should be
making a list
of all the things
that i am
instead of focusing
on what i may
or may not be
but ….
what would it say

~ July 2006

Wednesday

2006-07-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

I wish
I could write
but there is
nothing to say

there’s the
blinking
of an unset clock
and a cat bathing
nearby

he is the
weirdest cat
I have ever had

I wake up to
bottle caps
and hair ties
in my shoes

his crooked tail
flails behind him
as he barrels
through the house
slipping
most awkwardly
on the hardwood floors

he has been
described as
sitting fat
and disaffected
in corners
by one of
my favorite writers

but he notices things
with an eerily
human-like
perceptiveness

he’s always the first
to detect
when I’m sad
comforting me
the best way
he knows how

~ June 2006

Tuesday

2006-07-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

there is
a painting
on my wall
that reminds me
of a calla lily
and I wonder
what other
walls it will adorn
in the future

I feel like
this first house
of mine
will usher in
a new phase
of my life

I’m all grown up now
it seems
strapped down with
a mortgage
and the worries
of middle management
this isn’t
at all
how I thought
I would turn out

well
that’s not
entirely true
I didn’t have
the ability
to imagine
my life after
she left it
and now
though I have
the freedom
of an empty page
I’m somewhat scared
of the words
that will be written
upon it
and terrified of
what might be
left unsaid

~ June 2006

Monday

2006-07-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

Monday
10:49 PM
there is a
fucking
dog barking
and I’ve never
felt like
kicking ass
more than I do
right now

people seem
to have
lost their
sense of
courtesy

they think …
hmmm
this annoying
yapping
probably
isn’t bothering
anyone
I’ll just
turn up my TV
pop another top
off the old Milwaukee’s Best
and scratch my belly
for no apparent reason
if I had
more teeth
I’d munch on
some of
that there
peanut brittle
I’m so fund of …

ahhhh
silence
the commercial
is over
back to
edited reality

~ May 2006

Just found this in an old email ...

2006-07-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

... and forgot I had even written it ...

i dreamt that i was
shrouded in a
golden glow
warmed from the inside out
rays reaching to you
as my mind
finally stilled
more peaceful
than i've been
in months
as the pieces of me
fell away

i can't sense you
you have moved on
fully and completely
do you still think of me
or is it true what they say
time is not real
and these years are but
the blink of an eye to you

you yawn
awoken from your
peaceful slumber
stretching your long
lanky, restored limbs
and stare at something beautiful
as i work day after day
and go through the motions
remembering you
honoring you
missing you

were we not solely connected
was i supposed to be yours
or was i born a fluke
the line that ties me to you
is getting thinner and thinner
you become more like a theory
a story of loss
the embodiment of
things that never came to fruition
a mother in disguise

i'm stuck
i don't know where to go
from here
and need you more
than i ever thought possible

i need to know your mistakes
so i don't go
traipsing through them
blindly
i need to memorize
your triumphs
so i can make repeat performances
and drink from the cup of wisdom
you held so tightly to your chest

the things that you taught me
that slipped pastmy stubborn defenses
may not have been
what you intended
to pass along
i seem to be taking
the bad more liberally
than the good
and can barely remember
where to go from here

~ February 23, 2006

Ordinary Angels

2006-07-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

friends
are a funny thing
some of them float
easily
into your life
and settle
in your chest
as if filling
a spot created
just for them

if you're lucky
you get one of
these a lifetime

they are the family
you were
separated from
at birth
that you spend
your life
searching for
but don't know
you're missing
they are the people
you choose to love
and aren't tied to
through blood
or obligation
or marriage

they fill you up
and make you float
surrounding you
with love
so buoyant
that reality
as you know it
is changed
your existence is brighter
your laugh louder
your sadness less sharp

they are ordinary
Angels
walking beside you
in front of you
and behind you
acknowledging your needs
to lead
to follow
and to fall into step

they are the ones
that remind you
to be amazing
they make you want
to be better
to keep growing
hoping one day
to be for them
what they are to you
they make you feel
celebrated
and cherished
while reminding
you to be
humble
they keep you in check
with a grace that allows
you to take the
lesson for what it is
and they make you
feel like you're
greater
than you are
so that you'll
do greater things

I do not
possess such
a wizardry with words
as to write a song
to sing their praises
but I will
lay my gratitude
at their feet
for the gifts
they continuously
give me
the gifts of
friendship
loyalty
laughter
forgiveness
understanding
growth
and belonging

Thank you

~ June 20, 2006

Seis de Mayo

2006-06-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

I just woke up
not feeling too hot
questioning my actions
from last night
questioning myself
for questioning them

it was so good to see
those familiar faces
new and old
connecting with the ones
I’m connected to
disconnecting a little
from the likes of you

someday soon
we’ll be like that
sitting on cushions
of old memories
speaking of new lives
not knowing
each other
anymore
reverting back to
roles we used to play

those who don’t allow
themselves to attach
to someone
seem to have
a lot of faces
to catch up with
is there no
one
that got away
is there no
one
that you burn
inside for

what do you
hold onto
to anchor yourself down

May 2006

Sunday Afternoon

2006-06-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

there’s lots of beauty
in this world
my bad day
was interrupted
by it
many times over

the park
dogs running
and tripping
in the grass
looking up
at the clear blue sky
and seeing petals
floating all around
reading a book
on a blanket
with a good friend
by your side
loyalty incarnate

that I was
so taken aback
and touched
by the selfless
offer of a stranger
saddens me
where did I
get this
closed off way
of living
entombed in my house
and in my heart

writing has become
my lifeline
my way of
telling others
not to worry
or of calling
out for help
subtly and blindly
it’s my only outlet
I’ve allowed
to share my
weaknesses and
fears and sadness
in such a public way
and even then
I only share
certain parts
of poems
with others …

April 2006

Settling?

2006-06-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

loving someone
is a beautiful thing

to want what’s best
for them
despite how much
it hurts you
is even more
luminous

how do you
honor yourself
when all
you want
is their time
their thoughts
their heart

it’s not real
it’s not what
you think
it should be
but you
can’t say no

I want you
to have everything
that you need
I want you to
get enough of
what you deserve
and I want you to
get some of
what you want
when it serves
you right

we are all
so much more worthy
than the lives we set up
and the paths we
follow

settling is so much easier
than going after the dream
you know what
I’m talking about
the one thing
that despite
it’s elusion
and your persistent
doubts
sticks in your mind
and floats through
your thoughts
each time
you meet
someone new

don’t ever

settle

for long

April 2006

Driver's Ed

2006-06-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

at my desk
looking out the window
into the dreary mouth
of a wet and soggy storm
I wonder about the summer
I feel like I’m back in school
counting down days and
planning my yearbook odes

I think back to
the dry, endless
three months
that preceded
my first high school year
learning to drive
in a ford tempo
with a football coach
my guide
and my best friend
in the rearview mirror
not seeing that
she will become
one of the worst
operators of an automobile
I will ever know
and that I will spend
more than a few
harrowing moments
with her at the wheel
and my life in her hands
“what does that sign say??”
“is this a one-way?”

it’s funny that
my mortality
has only been
seriously tested
with her by my side
if that’s not angelic
I don’t know what is

~ June 1, 2006

Butterflies

2006-05-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

it will be a
long and lonely
life without love
how many nights
can i pass
staring at the ceiling
whispering mantras
to the walls
who am i
trying to convince
of my worthiness
sitting unaccompanied
in this room

the wind was blowing today
i could feel its
power and purpose
as i sat stagnant
and bereft of
a prospect

it has been
so long
i fear that
it will never come

i have been
tempted and teased
it's been dangled
in front of me
fluttering bright
like a newly hatched
butterfly
but it is a hard time
chasing butterflies
when finally enclosing
them in your hand
you have to keep
checking to make
sure they're not crushed
while keeping them from
flying away

and nobody wants
to cage a
butterfly
it dulls their beauty
and mutes their colors
best to let them go
and try not to
miss them
too much

- May 2006

MS Walk

2006-05-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

I walk because I want to honor my mother
I want to honor the fighter in her, not the loss of her
I want to honor her spirit in the face of a devastatingly subtle disease with
conspicuous consequences
I want to honor the stubborn resister who raised me with autonomy knowing
that she'd leave me prematurely

I walk because I can physically get up and move my limbs
Limbs that resemble hers in length and width and color
Limbs that can move like she hadn't been able to in years
Limbs that are not independent of my brain and nervous system

I walk because I was unable to accept this disease and its cloaking of her until she was fully ensconced in it
Until she couldn't lift a fork to her mouth
Until she couldn't gesture wildly while telling her favorite stories
Until she took her last breath with a frown on her face, worrying about me while
looking into her unknown

I walk because I can do something positive with the gifts she's given me
This gift of life and the living of it with hope and appreciation
This gift of strength to continue on with purpose and a smile regardless of
the sadness I sometimes float in
This gift of quiet knowledge that the events unfolded like they were supposed to
and that regret is for the feint of heart

I walk because I want to make her as proud as she always made me

I walk

~ March 2006

I don't know much ...

2006-05-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

... but this is what life has taught me so far ...

Anything you are going through
good or bad
is temporary
so keep your eyes open
and breathe in the sun
while it warms your face
remembering that the next day
holds no promises

Happiness is a choice
we may not control
the world around us
but we rule our reactions to it

Strength is not always
a solitary thing
sometimes an outstretched hand
carries you further than
your own two feet

My great loves
have all been friends
that know my flaws the best
and whatever they see in me
is a reflection of my complete
adoration of them

Sadness may settle in my chest
on quiet nights
but I always wakeup lighter

Finding your talent
your inner beauty
gives you more self-worth
than any compliment ever will

So find out what you love
and do it
find out why you’re amazing
and be it
question yourself and
cut others some slack
you can only be responsible
for so much
let the rest go

Dance and be goofy
laugh at yourself
sing out loud
wherever you are

The hardest thing to do
is not settle
we are worth so much
More
than we know
hold onto that
through the loneliness
through the doubt
through the boredom
and thrive!

~ May 2006

Love is ...

2006-05-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my gawd, it's finally done!!

How do you write honestly and unabashedly about something you haven't experienced in years, in the context of something you've never done?? And furthermore, how do you make it light and happy and idealistic while keepin it real? I'm not a foofy/girly/head-in-the-clouds writer or person, nor do I suffer that well - in writing or personality.

My cousin approached me with the lofty request to write and read a piece for her wedding .... during the ceremony .... in a bright red dress!! Keep in mind that this is BEFORE the reception when the libations start flowing. My audience will be sober and paying attention, at least until I start talking anyway. My initial thought was, "I love you and all, but no f-ing way am I going to do that!!" What actually came out of my mouth, much to my dismay and confusion (does my mouth remember how red my face gets while publicly speaking?) was, "Yeah, I'll get right on that." I think this was after we had taken many shots of the homemade Limoncello, so my acceptance cannot be held up in a court of law.

Anyway, my long-winded point is ..... the poem is done, or as done as it's gonna get, and while I'm relieved to have not left it for the night before (surprisingly), I still have to say it out loud to a big ole' group of people. Shit! What did I get myself into for love ....

If you ask 1000 different people
what love is
you'll get 1000 different answers
But it is in these differences
that love becomes vibrant and
fresh and individually tailored

For you both
I see a passion
unrivaled by past loves
Your affection a sign of
undying adoration
Oceans
fault lines
and family ties
not enough to keep you separate
And in separation
a strengthening and growth
of your bonds

I see reality
mixed with magic in your gazes
And optimism
in your thoughts and hopeful sighs

You remember that
love is not a happily-ever-after
It is a promise to
celebrate the good
and push on through the bad
It is a belief in yourself
that you are worthy of this life
and a strong faith in another to hold your heart

Love is a gift
and the choice you make
to return it
It is a climbing to the top
of a steep and perilous mountain
to be rewarded with
the beauty of the view

Love is knowing that
your mistakes will not break you
and your faults
not lessen your glow

The true test of love
is Time
It's in the settling
of charged particles
and clearing of dust
It's how you feel
after a fight
or change in your perceptions
It is in the every day
that true love unfolds

I wish you many real days
tempered with fairy tale moments
I wish you the wisdom
to appreciate the latter
for their brief appearances
and accept the former
in all its mundane glory

I wish you a marriage filled
with laughter and growth
and a story to tell your grandkids
on hot summer nights

I wish you family and light
But most of all

I wish you love

~ March 30, 2006

The Reading

2006-05-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking
a lot about love
in preparation
for this day
I wanted to
find something
perfect
to read
that encompassed
all you are
that put into words
eloquently and exactly
how you feel now
and how I hope
for you to feel
from now on

the I realized
in my search
for the
perfect poem
that the beauty
is in the search
and in the
imperfections
it reminded me
of life in general
and love specifically
the search
the broken hearts
the regrets
all fall away
when you find
what you never knew
you were going without

February, 2006

Kim

2006-05-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

Halloween
anniversaries
nights spent talking
laughing and wondering
how our lives would unfold

first loves
first broken hearts
and last looks
the dissection of every word said
every gesture performed
big milestones and
baby steps
every mundane thing
honored and validated

I call you Friend
a title not given lightly
or without implication
we’re family
sisters
souls come together in recognition

fights and tension
old wounds aired
brought into the light
to keep them from
festering in the darkness

what is between us now
is history
still in the making
I’m active in your life
as a memory
a bookmark
and sometimes voice of reason
or dictionary
to the familiar unknowns

call me and tell me
of your newest woe
and I’ll listen
with an empathetic heart
checking my judgment
as we go along
I am no one to say
where you should go
in love
or who with

just be careful with your heart
because when you break
I fragment a bit with you
we are of the same stone
that dissected years ago
and it’s buried
deep inside
the foundation of our friendship

don’t ever doubt
how amazing you are
and how proud
I am
to know you

May 7, 2006

Possibilities

2006-05-15T15:46:00.000-07:00

Possibilities
lie in the
birth of each new day
there are choices to make
and words to formulate

every time the sun
floats up to
its illustrious spot
in our humble sky
is a chance
to do something
amazing
it is a renewal
of hope
to live the life
we have envisioned
for ourselves

I look out
my car windows
eyes tired
from a restless night
and heart beating
for a dream untrue
and sense that
my life is headed
for something
more than
the sum of its parts
the mistakes I’ve made
no longer weigh me down
and words I regret
not saying
have been evicted
from my memory
like the lyrics
of once loved songs

I see the beauty
of my surroundings
and feel lucky
to live in this place
mt hood on fire
to my right
backlit by a halo of light
and the moon
to my left
sitting happily
in its exalted perch
fighting the daylight
and wanting to be seen
it makes me feel
optimistic and light
lessening the hurts
of the previous day
of the previous 26 years

I drive on
although I’d rather be sleeping
at this early hour
I drive on
to see more beauty unfold
as the minutes tick past
I drive on
to make my dreams
sharper and more malleable
I drive on
to spend 9 hours in a building
I’d rather burn down
I drive on
to alter the path
I’ve laid for myself
I drive on

February 15, 2006

Love of another John?

2006-05-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was moved tonight
by a song
it doesn’t sound
like much
the song or the movement
but it broke
something in me
opened some gate
I didn’t know
was barricaded
it was just a
song
although
I know
with all the creative talent
I can muster
that the good ones
are anything but
there was an
awakening
in the lyrics
forgiveness in the melody
we are all
ordinary people
it said
you’ve made mistakes
he said
but anyway
I choose you
what would that feel like?
January 31, 2006

To Frame or Not To Frame

2006-05-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

that picture of us
haunts me
how can an image
knock the wind out
more swiftly
then the raw violence
of a sucker punch
I’m not getting
enough oxygen
to my brain
to formulate
a coherent thought
or assemble any inkling
of flowing prose
I have these moments
gifts really
of rare happiness
and confidence
in myself
and my future
and my choices
I can see
how far I’ve come
how much better
I have gotten
how good I was
to begin with
but once glance
at that picture
and I’m backpedaling
I’m haunted

"The darkest hour of the night comes right before the dawn."

2006-05-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

If I am to believe
that dawn is
within my reach
than I can bear
these last 60 minutes

the winding down
of the clock
made that much
more bearable
with a goal in mind
a reason
a person
to look forward to

I see love
all around me
in parents' eyes
in hand holding
in hurried kisses

I read today of
personal legends
our goals in life
our destinies
individually
it said that
the heart speaks
to us as children
and for most
adulthood brings
with it silence
but the dream
is still there
fostered by hope
in some
and fear and dread
in others

if you develop
your dreams in
childhood
what's to be said
for those of us
that grew up
too fast
are childhoods
merely the dream
in and of themselves

I don't know
my personal legend
for sure
but when I'm quiet
when I look
at the stars
I dare to think
that my fate
will be fulfilled
by a great love
a love that makes
you believe
in soul mates
and past lives
and quiet looks in parks
70 years down the line
a love told of
over a cold drink
next to a warm fire
a love the grandkids
wish to have
one day

And maybe my
current loves
are omens
sign posts
down my path
riddled with resistance
and back stepping
and losing faith

They are my angels
backing me up
and keeping me grounded
all while allowing
my dreams
to fly higher
than they have
any reason to do

I wasn't raised
for greatness
I'm of a humble family
our story is of
no more importance
then you and yours
but I have
never felt I belonged
to me and mine
I'm an outsider
part of a duet
who's song has
not yet begun

~ December 26, 2005

Changes

2006-05-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

life changes
so subtly
that one day
you look up
and don't recognize
yourself
you look
in the mirror
wondering
how her eyes
lost their light
and how her face
got so tired
you have to be
aware
of all the things
that dig away
at you
every day
you need friends
that care enough
to call you out
when you're sliding

~ January 2006

Hindsight

2006-05-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

hindsight is such
a beautifully
annoying thing
looking back
the moments
of our lives
are so much
easier to view
than the hell
we had to go through
to create them

in remembrance
you can see
all your mistakes
in high definition
all the things
you should have said
run through
your mind
like a constant stream
of opportunities missed
and all of the things
that never should have
passed your lips
keep playing like
a badly dubbed movie

~ January 2006

New Year's Day

2006-05-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

your birthday passed
like so many other
momentous occasions
and so many other
futile hours and minutes
that were given meaning
by your absence

I think of all the things
you've missed out on
and I missed you
being around for
I wanted your advice
and your pride
as selfish as that may be

I hope you're resting
I hope you're peaceful now
I even dare to hope that you're happy
I felt your soul leave
so I believe that it
exists and resides elsewhere
somewhere
other than this sometimes sad
confusing place
also known as life

so I will continue
to be hopeful
and continue to miss you
though I'm not naive enough
to believe that
time will erase
what I've lost in you

Basement Musings

2006-05-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

It's weird to be
sucked in again
yet feel unaffected
I read old emails
combing over words
searching for clues
as if I don't understand
what happened
as if I wasn't there
as if I wasn't immersed
in this madness

I don't know where
this newest incantation
of you is going
and I'm not sure
how much I really care
I feel numb to the
onslaught of emotions
I'm sure are to come

I'm losing parts
of my heart -
my friends,
my sisters -
to the dark side
love, that is
and maybe you're just a bridge
to gap this bottomless
gorge of loneliness

my single friends
keep dwindling down
like my limited finances
soon I will look up
and be the only one left
a north star that they can
look upon
if they need to find
their ways back
to whatever it was
we thought we were doing.

~ December 2005

ICU

2006-05-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

it was never
a shock
i'll give you that
i was lucky
with the expectations
i had
None

hopelessness
is sometimes
a buffer
it keeps you
from being let down

i sat there
wishing opposite
wishes
of all the others
she can go
it's okay with me
i'm ready to breakdown
now
this way of life
is not for me
any longer
i've done my time
paid my price
for what crime
i'm unsure
but reformed
i am
all the same

~ December, 2005

5'4"

2006-05-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

There are no words
to describe
our resilient bond
there are no words
to signify
what you mean to me
there are no words
to express
the residence you
take up in my soul
there are no words
to wear on my sleeve
as a mantra of love

my vocabulary
falls short
and my writing abilities wane
letter strung together
to form thoughts
and feelings
seem careless
and empty
compared to the
emotions assocaited
with us

the word friendship
doesn't begin to
encompass
the relationship we have
the familial bond
and unconditional support
run deeper than mere
phrases on a page

so i will make a new
definition of Friend
against which
to hold all others
and with which
to exalt you

~ October, 1 2005

64

2006-05-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like a photograph
in a room filled
with impressionistic paintings
you can appreciate the beauty
in the colors
and the artistry
in the composition and technique
but what is there
is really a mirage
a partial image
made of someone elses
interpretation of the view
when you look at me closely
when you look at me far away
in a different room
in different light
I am still the same
you can pick out
intricate details
I am what I am
as real as the day I was snapped
an impressionistic painting
changes
with the lighting
with different brush strokes
with your nose pressed up against it
you never can tell
quite what it is
unless you squint
and wait for it to become
what its going to become
you have to have
the patience of Gandhi
and the understanding of Mother Teresa
while the vision unfolds
the beauty of me
is that I bare my soul
flaws and all
nothing is hidden
or remembered with
a rose-colored hue
what you see of me
is what you get of me
right away and always
nothing is veiled behind
fluffy clouds and soft waves
Ill never be
a great masterpiece
or auctioned off at Christies
but my power runs deeper
than the allure of
money and recognition
I am an anomaly
in a world filled with
Monets in frames
I am the lasting
vestige
of raw honesty
and detailed existence
as the subject changes
so will the picture that reflects it
regardless of the artists mood
or of the commission of a buyer

~ November 10, 2005

"There's no substitute for time ..."

2006-05-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

i'm so sad
i can barely
lift my pen
to the paper
this decision
is making it hard
to see the light
at the end
of the proverbial tunnel

i have chosen
happiness
but have to
walk through
the thick fog
of sadness
to reach it

i miss you
so much
and it hasn't
even been 24-hours
we never got
a chance
to ignite the fires
that would burn
the bridges we built
on late night words
and my hopeless
honesty

the resentment
and broken promises
of wispered sweetness
weren't fostered
there's too many
what ifs
and
we chould have beens

my intuition
and my heart
have come to
the mutual conclusion
that you're mine
but your stubborn
persistence
to be so forlorn
is turning
my prediciton
into nothing more
than a pipe dream
but relationship
or not
my heart is broken

~ October 4, 2005

Daydreams

2006-05-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I dream of you
in the daylight
sleep
is the only
release I get
from your
unrelenting
grip on my
heart and
mind and
soul
you seep into
my consciousness
so smoothly
and seamlessly
that there
is no beginning
nor end to
my awareness of you
you wind your way
into my conversations
so quietly
that I don't
even realize
you're coming
out of my lips
you have polluted
my deepest
belief in love
the waters are
now
so murky
that I cannot see
what's coming
or where I've been
yet you can
see your reflection
in me

I feel like
my body is
still reaching out
for you
although
my mind
has verbally
cut all ties
I have aches
and pains
that can only
be explained
by missing you

I long
for the day
when I
cannot
remember
your face
when I
cannot
remember
how your
words first
made me feel
and when I
cannot
hear your voice
speaking the name
you gave me

I don't
know how
to shake
this premonition
that you're mine
that you
belong
with me
and though
doubts creep
around my mind
testing my conviction
by brandishing their
sharp weapons
of false
accusations
based on little
kernels of truth
I Hold Steady

What good
are beliefs
if they go untested
how strong
are soul mates
until they
walk through fire
towards one another

My fear
is that
you won't be
standing there
amongst the
charred remains
of our separation
my fear
is that
you'll be walking
with another
and
that I will
be nothing
more to you
than a memory.

~ October 2005

Belief ... not the Gavin song

2006-05-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

I have to believe
that the mistakes
I've made
weren't made in vein
I have to believe
that they won't
haunt me
and follow me around
like lost little ghost puppies

I have to believe
in fate
have to believe
in belief

Otherwise
I am just
a mass of chance
every choice made
every wrong turn
leading me in
so many different directions
each time deviating
further and further
from where I need
to be
from where I
should be

If I don't
believe in fate
then the sadness
of my past
will be reduced
to a coin toss

my personality
my smile
my suffering
my happiness
will all be the progeny
of coincidence

I have to believe
that I'm meant
to be here now
to be asking
these questions
to be floating
in the thick confusion
that I'm sometimes ensconced in

I have to believe
that there is an explanation
as elusive as it is
for the adulthood
I was thrown into
long before
I could see over the counter

I have to believe
that I'm falling
because I was meant to
not because there was
no one to catch me
when I lost my footing

Faith
Belief
these are the choices
we make
these are the things
that answer
the unanswerable questions
they give us an out
some reason for our distinct being
and I have to believe

~ September 2005

Long distance phone call

2006-05-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

it's hard to be here
you see your friends
in love
or well on their way
you see your love
loving someone else
and wonder if maybe
somewhere along the way
you gained some flaw
an invisible scar
that prevents you
from being chosen

you talked tonight
about doubting
if everything
happens for a reason
we named the big 3
the holy trinity of tragedies
that we have endured
together
and separately

where is our peace
and sense of well-being?
she's found it
as much as she
ever will, I think
you're going down
the path of
least resistance
while I'm still
fighting through
this dark forest
without a map
or endpoint
I'm glad you're happy
I am your ever loyal friend
watching your story
as it unfolds
but wanting one
of my own

~ October 2005

Damn Camp

2006-05-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Your facetious smile
and your cool shoes
your humor in general
and your jokes in particular
your way of cutting
people down to size
without them even realizing it
Will all be missed

There is no pretension
where you're concerned
and there is no need
for fake behavior
you tell it like it is
whatever it may be
and you are as real as anyone
can hope their friends to be
as real as your faults
and mishaps
and debacles
and we love you more for them

Your good heart
your loyalty
and familial feeding
your mad camping skillz
your penchant for beer,
good company, and a backyard
your expert one-handed "fersbee" throwing
and spastic soccer playing
Will all be missed

You have a childlike zest for life
that permeates you
and all those around you
your joy is contagious
and we're lucky to know you

Your entertaining accompaniment
to Kell's and Rock Bottom
and all the other joints in between
your story telling and presence
during a painful artistic experience
your small Raych ways
of showing you care (pat, pat)
are things to be cherished
and not taken for granted
your dependable driving
and epic message leaving
your dart throwing Chicago pose
and knowledge of all things OPB
Will all be missed

You are the best kind of friend
unconditional
kind
honest
and fun
you brighten our days
and spice up our nightly conversations
you give without reservation
and expect nothing in return

You will be missed
because we love you
because you are a sister
because you are You!

~ September 2005

That Day

2006-05-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

It's weird today
a year ago I awoke
and went through the same ritual
as today
but something was very different then
I still showered
brushed my teeth
put on my work clothes
The sun was shining like it is today
but the air felt more electric
charged
but calmer
all at the same time
I could feel her spirit all around me
as she readied for her departure

On that day
as I walked out to my car
and felt the first morning breeze on my face
I looked up
into the blue cloudless sky
and knew that I would wish her farewell
That day
I knew that she would not make it through
another 24-hours on this earth
in her current state of being
she would be gone
like that day's newspapers

I had to go to work though
things to do
RESPONSIBILITIES
Denial
Escape
But I felt guilty
and scared and panicky

I didn't want her to go alone
she needed to know that I loved her
more than I love myself and
I would have given up my life for her
to be happy
to walk
to dance
to laugh
just one more time

But I worked
I finished what I had to
then I cried in my boss's office
and told her I couldn't stay one minute longer
That day

First I went home to change
and gather my strength
I have a wealth of it
to choose from, you know
and it was times like those
when I resented it the least
when I could see the looks on their faces
mirrored from my own
how does she deal with this all alone?
they would think
how does she still laugh and joke
and go to work
while her mom lies
literally
on her deathbed?

Strength is just the generic term
for whatever it was
that kept me going
I don't even know
how I was able to function
how I was able to adjust
"normally"
relatively anyway
does it really matter?

But before going there
I needed to prepare
for the hard day ahead

I brought provisions to get me through

magazines to keep my mind idle
and distract me from
focusing too acutely
on the reality that was
bearing down on me
with the weight of my regrets
and words unsaid

music to bring some nuance
of beauty and light
into an otherwise
dark and hopeless occasion

and some snacks to hold me over
although eating felt like some kind of betrayal

She needed to know I was trying
she needed to know that I would stay with her
no matter how long it took
no matter how hard it was
no matter what I needed to tell her
but couldn't
no matter how hard she had tried
to push me away
no matter how alone I felt
without all the others she had exiled

At the end she was still
stubborn and resistant
or at least that's what
I will tell my children
she fought harder
than most would have
and I alone led her off
resting my forehead on our joined hands
until she broke free
and floated away

I will tell my children
that she lived on her feet
and never knelt down
they will know her laugh
and the tilt of her head
the way that they will know my own
they will dance with me
bare feet on the coffee table
laughing at the joy of it
while I laugh at the memory

I am her connection to the living
to the future
I will not let her memory fade
like my grief will
she is my good
and my bad
and my everything in between
and I will not forget

she was my beginning
and very well could have been
the end of me
and I will not forget

That day

~ August 27, 2005

Sabbatical

2006-05-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

it's okay that
you didn't like me
enough
and it's okay that
you were never
really that into me
it's okay that
you were turned off
by my actions
you can't help
what you feel
i am a testament to that

what's not okay
is how you pull
me along
by a string
and just when
i think it will finally
break
you tie another knot
to strengthen something
that is made of
mist
and expectations
and strong wills

you're playing me
like an old
out of tune
piano
and i keep letting you
caress my ivory keys
i'm addicted to your
fingers
and your
rhythm
i don't want this
song to end
but it already has
and what i'm hearing
is only the echoing
in my head

this whole time
you were a mirage
i kept seeing things
that were never there
where does that leave me?
alone
embarrassed
admonished
sitting with my hand slapped
my lesson learned
i learn all my lessons
in real time
and it gets harder
to recover each time
i fall down
and each movement
to stand on my feet again
more sluggish
and weary

~ July 2005

OCD

2006-05-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

even when it's just a friend
i can't be normal
how do other girls handle this?
i go to a movie
read a book
turn off my phone
and pretend i wasn't
waiting
for it to ring

does she wait for your calls?

i send messages, emails,
letters in sand
but they all get washed away

what does it mean
to be your friend?
maybe i'm not cut out for this
soul mating
are we supposed to be together?
and what would that amount to
chaos
constant frustration
long discussions about us
about books
about nothing

could you really be with me?
make me laugh
kiss me with a mouth cooled by ice cream
let me speak
go for walks on restless summer nights
think of me first upon waking
love me without reservations or expectations
i don't ask for much

i have a split personality
and splintered heart
part of me has the audacity to believe
that i'm cut out for something
better
than distrust and false accusations
than merely dating
than not finding the love of my life

while the other part of me
wonders
if i deserve anything other
than what i've been given
wonders
if i squandered my chances
wonders
if i'll ever learn to open
my god damn eyes
wonders
what i'll see

i want a love that
will take down these walls of mine
like the walls of Berlin
separating the resolute from the weary

i want a love that
will stop this loneliness
that clings to me like empty vapor
clouding my dreams and
diluting my happiest moments

i want a love that
will take out the garbage
and pick up dirty socks
i don't ask for much

~ June 2005

SC Is Stealin All The Good Ones

2006-05-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

I miss you already
and although you haven't yet left
it feels like you've been gone forever
I know that our friendship
can withstand these 3000 miles
but still the test is hard
I never realized how
alone I was in this
until you went away
you're the only one
that understands
Her
Me
what we went through

you saw her in assisted living
in the nursing homes
in the hospital
in ashes
floating on the water
I wonder if she ever sank?

I sit at night thinking
constantly
my head keeps me awake
while my body begs for rest
I want to call you
but you're three hours ahead
in time
in life
in healing

I feel like a kid again
without direction or purpose
the weight has been lifted
but where does that leave me
I identified with it
it's who I was
it allowed me to step back
to set myself apart
to see the world through hallowed eyes

I don't wish for it to be different
then I wouldn't be me
then I would have no excuse
explanation
or use
for this state of sadness
that I seem to reside in
or for the loneliness
that wraps itself around me
like the soft blanket
made for a newborn

I don't know how to live
any other life
or be any other way

would we be friends without this?
our foundation is made of tears
broken pieces of our hearts
the strength of our persistence
to really feel loss
and know unfair circumstance

~ May 2005

My Strength is a Curse

2006-05-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

it keeps my friends from
thinking of me on Mother's Day
it keeps my family from
calling on the 27th
they say she'll be fine
she's strong
like Lisa

well, Lisa died alone
she had one friend
one love
one child
one family
but many legacies

who will remember her last words?
what was she thinking that week?
did she forgive me?
was she scared?
did it hurt?

I walked around with
her world on my shoulders
but I could sleep at night
I could barely breathe with the weight
of her sorrow on my chest
but I never lost my appetite

I had to beg her to let go
take my hand and come with me
Please!
there's nothing here for you anymore
your body has poisoned your soul
long enough
you haven't lost
you're not giving up
sometimes you have to quit
while you're behind

264 days she's been gone
and I can still remember how I felt
I remember how the air smelled
I remember the sound
of the magazine pages turning
as the piano played in the background
I played Prince for old time's sake
one last Kiss before you go
I remember the exact moment
that it happened
5:46 on a Friday and you're changed forever
in ways that you can't even see
you're free
or is that me?
you're no longer imprisoned in this case
with this infestuous virus your keeper

where are you now?
does the soul really continue on?
do you see me?
can you hear me crying?
can you feel me gasping for air
like you had to those last 3 days?
do you empathize or pity me?

you know what it's like to rage and cry
without anyone to hang onto
you gave me your strength
but at what cost?
we don't need anyone
we can do this ourselves
hold back your own hair
when the tears clog your throat
I can see myself slipping
yet I never ask for a hand

I don't want to end up like you

~ May 2005